What to expect at a Gottman Bringing Baby Home class at Little Elf Family Services.

Hey there, friend! Welcome to an exciting journey where we'll delve into enriching your relationship and embracing the incredible adventure of parenthood. The Gottman Bringing Baby Home Program is your golden ticket to creating a strong and loving foundation for your family. In this heart-to-heart chat, we're going to explore where this program came from, its fantastic benefits, and what you can expect as you embark on this life-changing adventure.

**The Gottman Institute: Your Relationship's Best Friend**

Meet the Gottman Institute, fondly known as the "crazy researcher people." For nearly five decades, they've been on a mission to unravel the mysteries of marriage and parenting. Through their dedication to research, they've uncovered the secrets to nurturing lasting, healthy relationships. And guess what? They're absolutely thrilled to share this treasure trove of wisdom with couples like us around the world, all in the name of promoting love and well-being in our relationships.

**Understanding the Transition to Parenthood**

Now, let's talk about something we can all relate to—parenthood. It's a transformative experience, but it can also bring its fair share of surprises and challenges. According to the Gottman Institute, around two-thirds of couples experience increased hostility after welcoming a new baby into their lives. Late-night feedings, diaper changes, and those extra responsibilities can strain even the strongest relationships. But here's the bright side: the Bringing Baby Home Program is here to help. It's been proven to reduce hostility and supercharge relationship satisfaction. And get this, babies of parents who've taken the program cry less, smile more, and become little communication wizards. 

**The Fishbowl Analogy: A Unique Perspective**

Imagine your family as a fishbowl, with the water symbolizing the mental health and relationship quality of you and your partner. Just as fish thrive in clean water, children flourish in a healthy relationship environment. The program equips you with all the right tools to maintain that crystal-clear water, ensuring your little ones grow up in a nurturing and loving family. It fosters fondness, affection, appreciation, and a stronger connection with your children and partner.

**Program Details and Format: Learning with a Dash of Fun**

The Bringing Baby Home Program is tailor-made for couples from pregnancy through those early preschool years. It's not your typical class; it's a delightful mix of lectures, videos, interactive exercises, and heartfelt discussions. You'll explore concepts as a group and enjoy private exercises as a couple, creating a safe space for open communication.

**Creating a Fair and Stress-Free Family**

This program isn't just about creating a fair division of labor; it's about ensuring both parents actively participate in caring for your bundle of joy. It's your toolkit for managing stress effectively, working as a team, and setting your family up for a lifetime of success. Whether your relationship is sailing smoothly or navigating a few bumps, the program can help strengthen your bonds and enhance your satisfaction.

**Meet Lara Elfstrand: Your Guide and Cheerleader**

Allow me to introduce myself, I am Lara Elfstrand, the friendly face guiding you through this transformative journey. I am a pro with a background in early childhood education, infant-family mental health, and parenting. I’m a certified in infant massage, a sleep consultant, and a true advocate for families. What’s my  secret sauce? Emphasizing the importance of repetition and fun in the learning process.

**Conclusion: A Journey to Family Bliss**

Your family is your most priceless treasure, and the health of your family is indeed wealth. Children thrive when their parents thrive, and you are worth every investment in your family's well-being. Consider this: What is your current stress level costing you in terms of the precious moments you could be sharing with your loved ones?

The Bringing Baby Home Program is your opportunity to prioritize your family's happiness and ensure that stress doesn't overshadow the joy of parenting. By joining this program, you're investing in a future where you can relish every moment spent with your partner and children. It's a chance to break free from the cycle of stress and create a harmonious and nurturing family environment.

Your family's well-being is worth more than any amount of money. Take the leap, invest in yourself, and unlock the potential for abundant love, happiness, and connection within your family. Sign up for the Bringing Baby Home Program today, and let's embark on this transformative journey together.

Sign - up here: Bringing Baby Home - TUESDAYS 6-8 PM Pacific starting November 7, 2023

#BringingBabyHome #ParentingJourney #HealthyRelationships #FamilyAbundance

What to expect at a Gottman 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class @ Little Elf Family Services

**The Gottman Institute: Pioneers in Relationship Research**

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a creation of none other than the brilliant minds at the Gottman Institute. At Little Elf Family Services, we affectionately refer to them as the "crazy researcher people" who have spent nearly five decades delving into the intricacies of marriage and parenting. Imagine all the wisdom they've accumulated in that time! Our mission is to bring their remarkable discoveries to you and tailor them to your unique needs.

**Unveiling the Gottman Institute's Magic**

The Gottman Institute has truly revolutionized the world of marriage research. They've uncovered the secrets behind what makes relationships thrive and what can lead them astray. Thanks to their groundbreaking work, we now possess the tools to make your relationship warmer, stronger, and healthier. They're all about helping couples like you build and sustain love and well-being in your relationships.

**Let's Dive into Program Details**

Here's the juicy part: the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work welcomes couples of all ages. It's perfect for new couples who want to set the stage for a solid foundation. And guess what? It's equally fantastic for seasoned couples who want to keep the spark alive. And it’s amazing for people who are divorced and starting a new relationship who don’t want to repeat the mistakes they made in the past.  Think of it this way: why not be a couple that learns relationship tools before hitting a rough patch? We're all human, and challenges are part of the journey. But knowing how to handle them constructively is the key.

**Meet Your Guide: Lara Elfstrand**

Now, let's talk about your tour guide on this incredible journey – Lara Elfstrand. She’s not your run-of-the-mill educator; she’s a pro in early childhood education, infant-family mental health, and parenting. She’s also a certified infant massage guru and a sleep consultant. Her passion lies in creating a nurturing and joyful family environment. And she firmly believes that learning should be fun, and the best lessons are the ones we repeat.

What to expect at a Gottman 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class @ Little Elf Family Services

**In a Nutshell**

So, in a nutshell, if you're looking for a transformation that brings abundance, stress management, a rock-solid team, and long-lasting happiness into your family, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is tailor-made for you. Join us on this incredible journey to fortify your relationship and create a thriving, loving family.

Ready to hop on board? Sign up for the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work today, and let's embark on this adventure together.

Sign - up here: Bringing Baby Home - TUESDAYS 6-8 PM Pacific starting November 7, 2023

#HealthyMarriage #RelationshipMagic #LoveAndAbundance 💫❤️

Story Time: Cracking the code to lasting love. A reading of A Day So Gray by Marie Lamba

📚 Uncover the surprising behaviors that could lead to relationship meltdown and discover why appreciation is a magical antidote.

A reading of A Day So Gray by Marie Lamba

Watch the video below for some relationship wisdom! #DivorceProofLove #AppreciationIsKey

Did you know that perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are more common than gestational diabetes—yet we screen for them less often?

When you become a parent, you want to feel calm and confident, but that’s often harder than you expect. Obstacles can get in the way, and unprepared parents may feel overwhelmed. While your moods may fluctuate, your overall happiness level is like a muscle: it gets weaker or stronger over time. If you ignore symptoms of depression or anxiety and hope that the problem will go away, you are likely to find yourself feeling more depressed and anxious.

The Gottman Bringing Baby Home workshop prepares expectant and new parents for the excitements and challenges they’ll likely face. If you get the support you need, while building habits that feel good and are not too easy and not too hard, you are likely to get happier over time. And when you do things that you enjoy the pleasure pathways in your brain grow stronger!

Check out this article that I wrote for the Gottman blog. In it, I (a Gottman Bringing Baby Home educator and trainer) share mood enhancing strategies that parents learn in the Bringing Baby Home workshop.

Nesting Parties - The Coolest New Trend in Parenting Preparation

Nesting Parties - The Coolest New Trend in Parenting Preparation

What’s the difference between a baby shower and a nesting party?

A baby shower focuses on the baby. It focuses on STUFF. Some stuff is good and useful — a baby needs a place to sleep, a car seat, some clothes, a few bottles or boppies or burp cloths. But if you end up with too much stuff, you just have to sort it out and manage it and find a way to give it away later. If you're a first time mom, you may really want —or need — to have a baby shower. Just be aware that you might not need twenty adorable onesies or a dozen stuffed animals, and the money spent on those items might be better spent elsewhere (see ideas in the downloadable PDF below).

"I wish I would have ‘said no thank you’ to so many given clothes, and put less on my registry... I got sucked up into needing all the things... I only use about 20% of what we got. It was a lot of work to donate, and return things after the baby arrived." E.B.

"I wish they'd put all the money they wasted on toys and fancy baby clothes into a cleaning service once a week. And food we actually wanted to eat (instead of what they cooked)."

On the other hand, a nesting party is focused on preparing the home and the family. Close friends can come to help deep clean the house or prepare meals. Co-workers or distant relatives can contribute gift certificates or money towards house cleaning or pet-care services, restaurants or meal- delivery, or doulas or mother’s helpers. A nesting party focuses on providing you with the support you need to have more snuggle time with your baby and more "me" time to take a long hot shower or get in a nap after your baby is born.

"Planning a nesting party opens the conversation of what a family's needs will be after birth and how people can help out. You need that support whether it's your first baby or your fifth!... It allows the guests to feel like they really made a difference." (Instead of Baby Showers, Expecting Moms are Throwing Nesting Parties)

Remember that the goal of a Nesting Party is to set up a family for success after their baby is born. This can be a new concept for both expectant parents and guests. So take the time to think about how you want to reframe the traditional baby shower into its modern-day version.

“I wish I had thought more about the support I would need after baby was born. I hardly knew what I needed, but I just knew I needed SOMETHING...” says Laura Baker, pregnancy/newborn photographer.

Now go have fun planning for your amazing postpartum time, and the Nesting Party that will help you achieve it! And if your friends can’t help themselves and still give you a cute onesie, oh well...

To learn more, download my free PDF by entering your name and email address below. Within the next few minutes, you will receive an email containing the link to download your free PDF to get started having your own nesting party today!

*This PDF contains affiliate links. That means that if you make a purchase after clicking on a link I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Boosting Immunity for Babies and Parents (especially useful for exclusively breastfeeding mothers!)

Boosting Immunity for Babies and Parents (especially useful for exclusively breastfeeding mothers!)

Recently several people have asked for strategies that can boost the immune system for an exclusively breastfeeding mothers. Moms who are breastfeeding have to be so careful of what they put into their bodies and what they pass on to their babies.

So what's my answer? Interestingly, the research (as shown here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=625t8Rr9o6o) shows that contempt and criticism erode the immune system. So one of the best things that any new parent can do to boost their immune system and protect their baby is to WORK ON THEIR MARRIAGE! Strange, isn't it?

One of the best ways to work on our marriages as a new parent is to take the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program. It's research based and research tested to:

• increase relationship satisfaction;

• increase language and cognitive scores in babies;

• help babies to cry less and smile more;

• and to reduce the incidence and severity of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.

It has NO negative side effects! It leaves you feeling empowered, knowing how to handle conflict and to strengthen your friendship so that your relationship can weather the storms of life. And it boosts your immune system by reducing criticism, contempt, and hostility.

My next class starts January 24. Register at little-elf.org/bbh today!

It makes a great gift for the expecting and new parents in your life! Gift certificates are available here or put the class on your registry at Be Her Village.

Why have a birth doula?

Why have a birth doula? An interview with Rebeca Martin, birth photography & doula services

What impact do you think that having a birth doula had on you as a mother?

My labor was really hard, and my doula was the thing that got me through.  I tried to escape. I didn't want to do it and the moment it got real, I was like, I'm just going to go over here. And I just didn't... I tried to literally climb out of my body. I didn't want to participate. And so she just helped keep me present enough to get the work done, but not be super traumatized. So I mean, birth can be traumatizing even if it's an ideal birth. And with her, she just kept it present, she let me know that everything was okay, she helped get maneuvers for my body so that my baby could reposition himself. And it was really, really good and then, she gave me the tough love when I really needed it the most, when I was just refusing to cooperate with everyone. And then she just let me know "You're getting in the shower now or". No, she didn't say "Or else you're going to transfer", of course she didn't say that at the time, but that was what was happening. So I did, and then he was born, it's what needed to happen. And so it was really, really valuable. I can't even... She was just the best, I can't even put a price on it. She was so good.

Why do you think a new parent would want to have a birth doula at their birth? 

Someone who is trained in repositioning your body to help the baby reposition inside is really, really valuable because sometimes all you need is to get in a different position. And when you're going from moment to moment, breath to breath, and you're in labor land, it's really hard to think about that stuff. And especially if your partner is so overwhelmed with the experience that they can't... It's almost like they're in labor land as well. And so, to have someone who's emotionally detached enough and has a skillset and awareness enough to be able to understand which position to go to next, is really, really important. And, then it just... Having that second or that third other brain there, allows you to really just get into the zone and not have to think as much. It's like you release, you're allowed, at least for me, I'm allowed to surrender without worrying.  And when the worrying is gone, it really makes a big difference in how I’m able to relax and just allow the process to happen.  Because it's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through labor, what labor is like. And so you might have an idea, but until you get there, you have no clue. And then for each person it's different too, so you actually really don't know what to expect. You don't know if it's going to be something that you don't feel until you're eight centimeters or something that you feel very strongly at one. And so, it can be really helpful to have those extra pair of hands to help give you some comfort while you're going through the whole thing.

How would new parents find a birth doula who is a good fit for them?

Interviewing, interviewing. You go to the main birth... there are some websites that have a lot of different people listed, birth resources. And you go, and you just... One after the other call and interview, you can meet in person. Whatever resonates with you, really, it's just what feels right for you in that situation.

What other reasons would someone use a birth doula?

Anxiety. If you have high anxiety, if you feel the need to have to have a lot of control, having that extra person there can help you just relax and just let go, and surrender. Guidance, especially for your partner, if you want your partner to be involved, but they don't know what to do, the doula can really help bring you guys together and can show things that the partner can, you guys make that connection. Because sometimes I've heard, where there's a bit of dissatisfaction because they didn't feel like... the laboring woman didn't feel like she was as supported as she had in her mind during the labor from her partner. And so having that extra help to show the partner what to do can really, really help a lot.

Do you have thoughts on how a birth doula can be supportive of the partner?

Instead of doing the movements and the comfort measures that you know in your mind as a doula, instead of doing them yourself, you can show the partner how to do them themselves, to their birthing partner so that they can do it every time and feel like they're making a huge difference. And then also, you can bring them around and be near the face. It just really depends on what the situation calls for, but you can recommend things, especially beforehand, having prenatals helps to talk about that stuff before the birth. But even if you're jumping in right in the moment, it helps to just not have them feel kind of like a deer in the headlights sometimes, it can happen.

What do you think the impact is on a partner when there's a doula present?

I think it calms them, they don't feel so much like a fish out of water. And they feel it helps to give them things to do, a task, a job, feeling like they're useful, they're helpful. I remember my dad, still today, says that when my mom was in labor, he wanted to be able to help her by giving birth himself so that she didn't have to do it, but there just wasn't many things for him to do.

Why would someone want a birth photographer at their birth?

For my first birth, I needed it to be very, very private and I didn't want pictures, I didn't want video. I didn't even think of video, but I didn't want pictures and it just had to be very private. So I have a very few, very fuzzy pictures from someone's phone, which I cherish so much. And even with my second, I wanted it to be private, but it was less of a concern, but still no pictures. And the few pictures I have I'm like, oh gosh, I totally could have done so many more. Like I just wish now that my kids are older, I want to show them what it was like for them to be born. And so I wish I had a video and photos. I would love to share with them their birth, and I [inaudible 00:13:28] see my birth if that... well, when my mom was giving birth, oh it would just be so special. And so I really, really like being able to provide that for others because later on just having that, because you can't ever go back and get it. So having that is just so, so special to be able to share it. You don't ever have to share it, but just having the option is really nice.

When you are at a birth, are you both the doula and the photographer? Or one or the other?

I do both. But during our prenatal appointments we have discussions on which is more important if certain situations arise. Do I put down the camera and give doula support or do I take a step back and pick up the camera? So it just depends on the birthing mom which part takes priority in those situations?

How do people find you?

https://www.placerbirthconnection.com/members 

https://www.nbbirth.com 

https://www.facebook.com/NBbirth/ 

Iterating our way to awesome!

Iterating our way to awesome!

Our mission is: 1) register for pregnancy date night at pregnancydatenight.com, 2) attend our date night tomorrow evening (Friday, December 3), and 3) get started on your journey towards a healthy family.

Sometimes I struggle to describe the challenges of early parenthood because I never want to scare people or make anyone feel like they aren’t enough, or that they won’t be a good enough parent if they don’t do certain things.  As a new parent sanity specialist, one of my primary goals is to help each of us as new parents to grow in our growth mindset, being able to ask for help, to make mistakes and learn from them, and to keep learning.  We are all iterating our way to awesome, as Marisa Murgatroyd always says!  And part of that is to encourage parents to ask for help from the very beginning.  Why?  As a new parent, you deserve to feel nurtured, protected, and cared for.  You deserve to have a partner that knows how to nurture, protect, and care for you.  And while they hopefully are great at that now, parenting is a new thing when we are first time parents, and your partner is not a mind reader.  So if we’re going to be able to know how to care for our partners well, it’s important to solidify our skills to keep our friendship intact and to be able to regularly and clearly express our needs. 

The Plan

The way to get started is to attend Pregnancy Date Night!  It’s coming up tomorrow!  Registration ends at 4 PM Pacific.  So your mission is:

1) register for pregnancy date night at pregnancydatenight.com,

2) attend our date night tomorrow evening (Friday, December 3), and

3) get started on your journey towards a healthy family.

Creating a warm, caring environment for a new baby

Creating a warm, caring environment for a new baby

The dream:

As new parents, you hope that life with your baby will be exciting - a fun, new adventure and a chance to get to know a new member of your family.  You want to create a warm, nurturing home for your children. You want time and space and support to bond with your baby. You want a peaceful postpartum. You want to instill positive values in your children. And if you have a partner, you want your relationship to be happy and connected.  Ultimately, you want to raise a kind, positive human being that contributes to society when they are older.  

The challenge:

Bringing a new member into the family is exciting and wonderful.  It’s also challenging, stressful and can increase hostility between partners and even with extended family and friends. The dynamics of the new addition changes everyone’s lives and everyone is affected. Your identity changes. You shift from being a couple to being a family. You take on the identity of “mother” or “father” or “parent”, and you even deal with your parents as they take on the title of “grandparent” (whether for the first time or not). And if you have other children, they have to adjust to sharing their parents’ attention, affection, and time.   

It is critical that new parents feel nurtured and supported, so that they can nurture and support their babies. Knowing that they are loved and safe is a crucial foundation for babies’ learning and development.  

The solution:  

There are 3 types of support that new families need to thrive:  physical support, relationship tools, and financial support. 

1. Physical support 

In a perfect world, every birthing family would receive three kinds of physical support: a birth doula, a postpartum doula, and a pelvic floor physical therapist. Here’s why.

BIRTH DOULAS

A birth doula provides physical, informational, and emotional support during labor. They help birthing parents with comfort, suggestions, reassurance, and advocacy. Doulas may provide massage, relaxation techniques, and other types of emotional and physical support their clients need. And birth doulas can help partners to know what to expect during labor, as well as how they can best support the birthing parent.  

According to Evidence Based Birth, “Overall, people who received continuous support were more likely to have spontaneous vaginal births and less likely to have any pain medication, epidurals, negative feelings about childbirth, vacuum or forceps-assisted births, and Cesareans. In addition, their labors were shorter… and their babies were less likely to have low Apgar scores at birth. There is a smaller amount of evidence that doula support in labor can lower postpartum depression in mothers. There is no evidence for negative consequences to continuous labor support.”  

During COVID, some birth doulas have worked completely virtually. Other birth doulas have supported families in person in their homes until it was time to go to the hospital and then switch to a virtual model if needed after that. Gemma Mrizo, at Doula Gemma says, “For me, …I think that the virtual model completely works. … I think every woman should still have a doula… The doula and the remote model almost feels like that's your expert to call when it's hitting the fan and you're panicking. And I think a lot of people like that, that they have somebody to back them up if they need it. And then if they don't, they're cool.”.

POSTPARTUM DOULAS

A postpartum doula’s role is to support you to get your needs met as a new parent, whether that is taking care of the baby so that you can get a nap or snuggle with your partner for a few minutes, getting you a warm bath to soak your feet as you feed your baby, pulling up a good breastfeeding meditation on YouTube, or making sure that your water bottle stays full.  Postpartum doulas also provide a listening ear as you process your birth experience and learn to be a parent.  A postpartum doula will encourage and support you in gaining confidence as a parent.  DONA, one of the agencies that certifies doulas, says that a postpartum doula’s job is to be NEAR: nurturing, educating, assessing, and referring to additional resources.

PELVIC FLOOR PHYSICAL THERAPY

Pelvic floor physical therapy can decrease your chance of injury and help new birthing parents to heal after birth. “I recommend a visit with a pelvic physical therapist before or during pregnancy week 30. [Parents] need to start doing the exercises I prescribe daily 6-8 weeks before delivery for them to get maximum benefit.” Dr. Romy Havard of Peregrine Physical Therapy.

Julie Kwong of LadyBits PT puts it this way, “"Why wouldn't you (see a pelvic floor physical therapist)?" You've been through so much. This is the least you deserve--to heal after birth, be put back together. It's the very least you deserve.” 

2. Relationship tools 

During pregnancy, most couples don’t know what to expect and don’t know what important conversations to have. As a result, they often feel resentful when their expectations don’t match with reality after the baby arrives. That’s why I love to teach the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program to expectant and new parents.

Bringing Baby Home educators give parents the tools that they need to express their needs clearly and respectfully, using research-based tools included in the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program.

 Not only is the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program research-based, it’s also research-tested to increase relationship satisfaction. Babies of parents who have taken the class have been shown to cry less, smile more, and develop higher language and cognitive scores at one year of age than babies of parents who did not take the class. And that’s what new parents want!

3. Financial support

You probably noticed that the support options above are expensive. There are a few insurance companies that will cover a birth doula but most insurance companies don’t.  What if we can get the support that we need anyway?  

Some hospitals have volunteer doula programs for doulas who are in the process of getting their certification, or want to donate their time. Ask the hospital where you are birthing if they have a doula program, and encourage them to develop one if they don’t.  

Your friends and family can help support you.  Let’s change the way that we do baby showers! Instead of receiving a zillion newborn onesies that will never be used, you can ask for a nesting party, where your close family and friends come over to help you to cook and clean and prepare your home for your baby.

You can also use a registry such as behervillage.com to ask for the specific support that you need to thrive.  Be Her Village is a gift registry for services, not stuff.  Expectant and new parents can register for either physical support, such as a birth doula, postpartum doula, or pelvic floor physical therapist, or relationship support such as a Gottman Bringing Baby Home class.

So now what?

You want to create a family that is safe, healthy, calm, and strong. Don’t be under-prepared for the amount of support that you will need.  Start your journey to parenting with the knowledge, skills, and confidence to do just that.  

Join us at www.pregnancydatenight.com for a fun (FREE!) pregnancy date night, and start your registry today at www.behervillage.com! 

An invitation to Pregnancy Date Night

I recently was interviewed by Megan Latapie, president of Placer Birth Connection, about my new Pregnancy Date Night. Here’s what we talked about! You can find the video here.

Megan Latapie:

Well, hi, Lara Elfstrand from Little Elf Family Services.

Lara Elfstrand:

Hi, Megan.

Megan Latapie:

Hi. I was going to call you the baby whisper, a.k.a the relationship whisper, a.k.a the sleep whisper, a.k.a. the best postpartum doula in Placer County.

Lara Elfstrand:

Thank you, that's so sweet.

Megan Latapie:

Yeah, okay. So you have something super fun coming up that our audience needs to know about. And I think it's something that I have never really heard, in the way that you describe it. So tell us what you have going on.

Lara Elfstrand:

I have a special event coming up on Friday, December 3rd, called the Pregnancy Date Night. Something we don't talk about when we have a baby is that two thirds of couples who have a baby experience significant increases in hostility in their relationship. And it's so easy to just blame our partner, it's our partner's fault. They're not helping enough. They're not doing enough. We just feel so overwhelmed and sleep deprived in early postpartum. But there are things that we can do to reduce the stress and improve our ability to express our needs respectfully so that we protect and nurture our relationship as we grow our families, and my mission is to get the word out about what we can do to make postpartum more calm and less overwhelming.  

So we are going to have 2 date night options for pregnant couples: one at 5:00 PM Pacific and one at 8:00 PM Pacific. And we're just going to have a super fun time. We're going to talk about: what the challenges are for new parents; what are the four behaviors that predict divorce; and we will talk about some things we can do to protect our relationships and have a better postpartum experience. And we're going to have a lot of fun in the process.

Megan Latapie:

I love it. So it's pregnant families who are deliberately taking the time for self care and self love in regards to their relationship, so that whenever baby comes, they can be in their best space together as a couple, and have the highest chance of meeting their own goals and their own expectations with parenthood and relationships. And I can tell you as a relatively new mama, that this is so needed. And I literally remember that first year looking at my husband and being like, we're all doing it wrong. And just tears streaming down my face and saying, I'm doing it wrong, you're doing it wrong. Baby's doing it wrong.

I think that had we taken more to get all of our little ducks in a row as best as we could mentally, set our expectations, and had a guide like you tell us, okay, so I know that this is what you think it might look like, but we're going to work together as a team and come up with some realistic expectations, and how to deal when those aren't being met. We might have been able to communicate at times better. We made it through with some blood, sweat, and tears, as you know parents do. But I think that at those moments at 2:00 AM, when baby's crying and everybody's exhausted, you can dig deep in the recesses of your mind and be like, what did Lara say? Oh yeah. Let's just take a hug. There’s nothing to figure out right now. And I don't know if this is one of your strategies, but I could have seen it maybe being helpful. Let's just take a break.

Lara Elfstrand:

Right? Yes. Just recognizing. Recognizing that we need to take a break, because one of the key things in behavior management is that the adult needs to be in control of the adult. We think the adult needs to be in control of the baby, but really, we need to often focus on being in control of ourselves first.

Megan Latapie:

Right. So minding our own tantrums and our own outbursts. And when we feel like crying, because our needs aren't being met. And it sounds like what this Pregnancy Date Night's going to do is offer more tools to help meet our own needs. Right? So that we can in turn meet our partner’s needs, when they're the ones that are feeling the stress in that moment. And then in turn, we can both meet our baby's needs better. 

So what is this going to look like? Is this online? Is this via Zoom? Is this a website that people go to and sign up for? How do we do this date night? 

Lara Elfstrand:

Yes. It's Friday, December 3rd. It’s going to be an hour long and we're going to meet on Zoom at either five o'clock Pacific or eight o'clock Pacific. When you go to pregnancydatenight.com, there will be a link at the bottom for either 5:00 PM or 8:00 PM. And then from there, it'll send you to Zoom to register and Zoom will send you the link after you've completed the registration form. And then we'll see you on Friday, December 3rd. We’re going to have an hour of fun. One of my big passions is that we learn by having fun. 

Megan Latapie:

I love that. 

And especially right now, sometimes when you're pregnant and you have so much going on, you don't really feel like getting dressed up, even though that's nice to do as well. But we don't always feel like getting dazzled and going on an actual date night because that can cause its own stresses.

So to be able to be like, Hey we're going get some tea or have some dinner, and then hop on this from the comfort of our home, and then be able to talk about it and stuff afterward. I love that. 

Lara Elfstrand:

I really want this to be a special time to connect with your partner, and then learn a few things about pregnancy and preparing so that we have a better idea of what to expect. Because babies' needs these are just so different and and opposite in so many ways from an adult's needs. And it can be just so helpful to be aware of how they're the same, and how they're different, and how we can handle it.

Megan Latapie:

I love that you've mentioned a couple times, we're going to have fun. That's so important to remember. You don't have to take ourselves so seriously in this process.

And that we can bring some lightheartedness into our learning and especially with our relationships. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, whenever we think about the best times with our partners is when we're having fun. Right? Like when we're laughing together and when we're really genuinely enjoying each other's company. So for you to provide that space for couples to just let their hearts open up, and speak to one another, and to enjoy each other's company while at the same time learning these tools and these skills--that's great. So people just need to get over to pregnancydatenight.com and then the rest kind of falls into place. Right?

Lara Elfstrand:

Yes, exactly.

Megan Latapie:

On December 3rd. Okay. And I have one more question. Can people bring their bottle of wine to date night?

Lara Elfstrand:

To date night? I love the idea of having something festive, although I don't suggest alcohol for pregnant people.

Megan Latapie:

Good point. Maybe they're non-alcoholic sparkling champagne.

Lara Elfstrand:

You can bring something sparkly to drink, yes of course.

Megan Latapie:

What about a little candle or something?

Lara Elfstrand:

Lighting a candle is a great idea. And I often think that a hot herbal tea can be really soothing as well.

Megan Latapie:

Right, but just inviting couples to really make this a true night for themselves and not a sense of, oh, we got to drudge to this course that we're going to. But to really have fun with it, enjoy it in whatever way that looks like for that couple. Right?

Lara Elfstrand:

Totally.

Megan Latapie:

Yeah. Mine was a little kombucha and a pretty wine glass. That was my pregnancy go-to. It’s a little fizzy and has some probiotics.  

Megan Latapie:

That sounds beautiful. 

Lara Elfstrand:

Yes, and if you can’t make it, you can definitely follow me on social media. 

You can find me me at 

- pregnancydatenight.com

- little-elf.org

- instagram.com/little_elf_family_services

- facebook.com/lara.elfstrand 

- facebook.com/LittleElfFamilyServices

- behervillage.com/partners/littleelffamilyservices 

- facebook.com/groups/KALM.Connected.Families

Megan Latapie:

Perfect. Okay. Thanks Lara for giving us the scoop.

Lara Elfstrand:

Thank you so much, Megan.

Megan Latapie:

Thank you!

Newborn Play

Newborn Play

Do you have a newborn baby at home? Sometimes it can be hard to know what to do with a newborn baby when they're actually awake. First off, that can be rare. (Find this video on Placer Birth Connection’s Instagram page).

Some of the first things we're focusing on with babies, of course is learning to eat and sleep. 

Trust

The number one goal in the first two to three months is to build trust by being responsive, by meeting our baby's needs, and by getting to know them. And even building trust with ourselves that it's okay to be wherever we are. Our goal is to love our baby, take care of our baby, but it's okay to be a first time parent. If you're a first time parent, it's okay to be a first time parent. It’s okay if it doesn’t feel totally natural yet.  Let's embrace being first time parents, but also it's awesome to ask for help and get support. This is a vulnerable time of life, and we all need support at this time.  We all need help, and there are tons of strategies that we can use that can make life better. 

Tummy Time

After trust, our next goal is tummy time. Why do we need tummy time?  The back to sleep campaign for safe sleep tells us that babies are the safest when they sleep Alone on their Backs, in a Crib (ABC).  So they’re on their backs when they’re sleeping.  They’re on their backs in a car seat.  They’re on their backs a lot.  So their muscles can get uneven because they’re constantly pulling against gravity from their back, and they need practice and repetition to pull up using the opposite muscles in their backs.  So in tummy time we are giving them time on their stomachs when they are awake so that they are strengthening their back and neck muscles.  They can have tummy time on our chest or when we hold them facing out.  We want babies to get practice lifting their heads and pushing up against gravity on their tummies.  That’s going to help them prepare for crawling.

Rolling

Another great thing I learned recently that can help to prepare babies for crawling is that when we are doing diaper changes, we can roll the baby to one side; put the diaper under them; and roll them back.  That is good positioning for changing the diaper, and it also is giving them regular practice at rolling.  

Time for Play

When is a good time for play?  If our number one goal is to be responsive, and to build trust, and to teach the baby that she he or she is lovable, and safe, that the world is a safe place, and that they are lovable, then we want to choose times for play that are appropriate, right? So we want to choose times when the baby has already eaten is not hungry, and is not tired. And with little babies, that can be a real challenge. Because the wake window for a newborn baby, generally speaking, is that they're probably going to be tired about 45 minutes to an hour after they last woke up. And that includes time for feeding.  So in the early days, there's not going to be a whole lot of time when they're in that quiet alert state. 

The quiet alert state

The quiet alert state is the time when all of us are most available for learning.  Even for a toddler, we want to teach before the tantrum and after the tantrum, but teaching in the middle of the tantrum is generally not going to be effective, because our brains are not really in gear when we’re in the middle of a tantrum.  Quiet alert is the time when we are not tired; we are not hungry; we are not fussing; we are not crying; we have good eye contact.  

Newborn vision

Newborn vision is at its best when the baby is about arm distance away from us, being held in our arms.  So it’s best to play with our faces about that distance from them.

Time Differences

We want to remember that a baby’s timeline is WAY slower than ours.  If you think about what time was like when you were a young child… I remember that summers as a child felt like they lasted forever.  And as we get older, time generally goes faster.  Summers seem to go by in the blink of an eye.  If we think about that when we are playing, that reminds us that we really have to slow down when we are playing with our baby.  Everything is new for them.  They are going to need a lot more repetition than we think they will.  We’re going to need to have a lot of patience.  One of our goals as new parents is to “ruthlessly eliminate hurry” (Dallas Willard).

3 early games: imitation, cause & effect, sound play

A) Imitation

Imitation could be that we just stick our tongues out over and over and give lots of repetition and watch for the little attempts that the baby is probably going to do as they are watching us.  We can do simple face movements like raising our eyebrows or opening and closing our mouths.  Then when the baby starts to imitate us, we can make a big deal about it.  Even if the baby doesn’t know our words, they know when we are excited and that they did something that we got excited about!  We can imitate facial movements.  We can imitate the way that they move their fingers, their legs, their shoulders.  We can do something that is easy to imitate, or we can imitate something that they are doing.  

B) Cause & effect - trial & error

The idea of cause & effect is that we are an experimenter, testing out different ideas.  “If I do this, the baby does that.”  Similar is trial and error, where we try different causes and see what happens. Parenting is a process of trial and error, and babies use trial and error to figure out the world.  When we imitate the baby, we are teaching them about cause & effect, trial and error, body awareness.  They are learning so so may things.  When I work with families, I bring in a whole toolbox of ideas and a tips and tricks that we can try, and then we experiment to see which tools work best for each baby and each family.  

Another example of cause and effect is, under careful adult supervision, tie a ribbon around their arm or leg that attaches to a toy or a kitchen utensil that is attached to a mobile or a car seat handle or a play gym over their head.  Or we can find mittens that have rattles in them.  The idea is that the baby learns “when I move my arm or leg, I hear a sound” or “when I move my arm or leg, I see that thing move.”  

C) Sound play

The last strategy I’m going to talk about is sound play.  We can read rhyming books.  California First Five has their whole promotional series about Talk, Read, Sing.  And we can pick a sound of the day.  I would probably start with vowels.  You can sing any song without the words… just using that one vowel.  

Make it fun

One of my favorite quotes is that “The critical link between play and learning—the reason we repeat something and therefore learn from it—is pleasure” (Stamm & Spencer’s Bright from the Start).  The idea is that when we are having fun, we want to do it again.  When we do something over and over, the pathway in our brain gets stronger and we learn by repetition.  But it’s the pleasure and the fun that makes us WANT the repetition.  

Closing thoughts

With newborns, we are focusing on trust.  We are focusing on teaching them that they are lovable and worth responding to.  We want them to develop muscles evenly on both sides of the body by giving them intentional time on their tummies when they are awake and supervised.  We can use imitation, cause & effect, and sound play to teach babies important skills in a FUN way.  

Support for c-section scars

Support for c-section scars

This week I spoke with Dr. Hannah Flammang about C-section scars.  We talked about self care and things that we can do to help with recovery and healing after a c-section.

Dr. Hannah is a local chiropractor.  She is opening her practice in Rocklin, but she does a lot more than just chiropractic.  She really likes to work with women’s health patients, specifically in the prenatal and postpartum periods.  C-sections are one of her favorites because she thinks it’s a very underserved population.  You get sent home with pretty much no instructions other than: “don’t lift 20 pounds; watch your scar; make sure that it doesn’t have an infection; come back and see me in 6 weeks.”  Then they clear you and say you’re good to go.  

What are some of the challenges that people have with C-section scars?

Dr. Hannah: A lot of times people want to work on them because they’re experiencing symptoms.  They may have numbness in the area of the c-section scar.  They may have hypersensitivity where you feel like you can’t put on underwear or wear jeans on that area because it’s just so sensitive to touch.  Basically, you’ll have trouble connecting to those lower abdominals because things have been cut and moved around.  Someone may come in to work on core work because they may have what we call shelfing: where the scar starts to develop a shelf and above the scar starts to fold over.  That can definitely be helped by doing some scar mobilization and working on the area.  So when patients come in to me for c-section scar work, it’s normally numbness; hypersensitivity and not being able to wear clothes, or things that are too tight or rub on that area, and having trouble with the abdominal region. That goes hand in hand with diastasis recti, which is the separation that can occur during pregnancy and postpartum.  That can be heightened with a c-section because those muscles have actually been cut through and then stitched back together.  

What are some of the first things we think about healing after a c-section?

Dr. Hannah:  Other than the baby and breastfeeding, this is a major abdominal surgery that unfortunately the medical system doesn’t really treat like a major surgery.  I do a lot of sports rehab work as well, so I see people that have had ACL tears or they’re having rotator cuff repair on the shoulder, and they are given pre-hab (pre-rehab) to their surgery, and then they’re set up immediately with a physical therapist afterwards.  I wish that c-sections were dealt with in the same manner, because it is a massive surgery.  

So I’d say that the initial period should really just be around healing.  I won’t work on anyone’s c-section scar, and I don’t recommend that anyone does any scar mobilization, if they are prior to six weeks postpartum.  So if you’re in that zero to six weeks and you haven’t gone back for your six-week checkup, if your sutures haven’t healed or if you’re having any infection, then we definitely don’t recommend any scar mobilization at that point.  

Once you’ve been cleared and there are no more stitches, then we can start to work on the tissues.  First I have to start with, I am not your doctor and this is not medical advice.  I highly recommend that you reach out to someone in your area, whether that’s me, or I can help you to find someone.  But some of these things you can do at home.  

So if you’re at least six weeks postpartum and you’ve got a nice scar, this is something to be proud of, not something to be embarrassed or hold a lot of fear around.  I find that c-section scars become very emotional because sometimes it was an emergency c-section or things didn’t go the way that you wanted.  You were planning for a natural birth, and it didn’t happen.  And when you end up with a c-section, it’s something to be proud of. You birthed your baby.  

Practical tips

Scar desensitization:

We’re going to start with something I call scar desensitization.  You’re going to use some things that you can find at home. I have an old makeup brush. It’s soft, not rough at all.  And I have a little hand towel.  C-sections cut through the superficial nerves that supply the sensation to the area, and it can give you all sorts of issues like numbness, tingling, and make that area hypersensitive to where you feel like you can’t put on leggings or jeans, and underwear rubs you.  It can be irritating all day long.  So with a healed scar and a clean makeup brush and a towel, we’re going to brush along the scar.  We’re just trying to get that area used to a new stimulus.  You can do it different ways.  You can do it side to side.  We can use the towel which is a bit rougher.  We’re not pushing super hard.  We’re not digging in with the towel.  We’re just getting the area used to different sensations.  If you have a pair of jeans that you can’t wear because of your scar, you can use that jean material just to get used to it.  This is something you an do for like 5 minutes a day before you go to bed, just getting it used to different sensations.  

Pulling

Another thing that I love to get patients to work on is scar pulling. We’re not yanking. All of this is super gentle.  We’re just going to pull in different directions. We’re just trying to get that scar to have mobility.  Scar tissue gets a bad rap. Everyone likes to blame all their issues on scar tissue. But scar tissue is super useful because it heals things, and brings you back together.  As we pull, we are working on getting all those layers mobilized that were cut through.  In a c-section they cut through about seven layers: 1. Skin 2. Fat 3. Rectus sheath (fascia) 4. Separation of the rectus abdominis muscles 5. Parietal peritoneum 6. Loose peritoneum 7. Uterus.  You may feel that one side feels tighter than the other, and that’s okay.  That’s really normal.  

Rolling

Another thing we can do is called skin rolling. That looks like grabbing your skin.  And we just want to remind you that everyone has belly fat.  That’s normal.  We’re going to grab the skin around the c-section scar.  If it’s too tender to do over the top of it, we can go either above it or below it.  We grab some of the skin and gently pull it and roll it.  You can roll slowly over the scar.  Most people will find that the edges of the scar have what feels like little knots in them.  That is scar tissue from the healing, which is important.  But you can use skin rolling to move those around and mobilize them.  It may be a little uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t be super painful.  If we’re pushing 6 out of 10 pain level then we’re either doing it wrong or there’s something else going on.  You can even grab it and go sideways.  

Massage

The next step would be to go even a little bit deeper, so I normally recommend that people do this while on their back.  It’s great to do at night before you go to bed.  We’re going to massage with gentle circles, trying to get things to move a little bit better.  You’ll notice again that once side is typically more tender than the other. You may have more of those feelings of scar tissue on one side more than the other side.  I’d suggest just 5-10 minutes every day.  

Belly Breathing

Belly breathing is something you can do starting in the first few weeks postpartum.  It has nothing to do with the incision itself, and we’re not doing any scar work, so you can do this in the first weeks postpartum whether you have a vaginal delivery or a c-section delivery.

There’s no right or wrong way to breathe, but one I like to work on with postpartum moms is working on getting our breath lower into the abdomen.  This is easiest to lie on your back on a hard surface like the ground.  When we take a deep breath in, I want everyone to see where their breath goes.  You can have a hand on the chest and a hand on the belly if that’s helpful.  We are going to take a deep breath in, and then let it all the way out.  A lot of us are chest breathers, which is not a bad thing, but ideally we’re going to work on getting our breath lower in the abdomen so that we would consider ourselves more belly breathers than chest breathers.  If you’re going to start to work on core strengthening, having your breath down low into your abdomen and using that to your advantage is huge.  

To practice belly breathing, it’s easiest to be on your back.  Put both hands on either side of your abdomen with your fingers on the side so that you can feel both sides of your abdomen.  We’re going to take a big breath in, and we’re going to expand all the way around rather than just pushing the belly out.  We’re trying to breathe into the outsides and into the back as well, trying to get that breath a little bit lower, helping to expand the area and bring awareness to it after a c-section or abdominal surgery.  

Core exercise example

A really good core exercise to work on postpartum is just bringing the legs up into a 90 degree position.  We’re going to make sure that the back is flat on the floor, and we want our hips to be as bent as they need to be to help flatten the back so that we aren’t arching.  We’re keeping our ribs down and ducked. And as we work on breathing into the abdomen, it’s a bit more challenging but it’s helpful to have the legs out because now you have something to push against.  We’re going to breathe nice and low into the abdomen.  Then we will slowly bring our feet down one at a time into a heel tap.  

Lara’s note: this is good to teach our kids too!  Common and Colbie Collait and Elmo have a cute song about belly breathing that you can check out on YouTube.

Hannah’s response:  If you have a baby under the age of 2, watch them breathe. They are expert breathers.  As life goes on and we get to school, we sit more often, we have more stress, and our breathing patterns start to change.  If you watch babies, they are amazing belly breathers.  

Cupping

In the clinic I also use a lot of cupping.  I use the little silicone cups.  It is similar to scar rolling, where we are pulling up on the tissue. The cup is just a way to do that without having to use your hands, and it can get into smaller areas where it’s really hard to pull on the skin.  You can use the cups to get the fascia moving better underneath the scar.  

How to find Dr. Hannah:

The website may not be up and running yet, but it will eventually be craftedhealthco.com.  You can find Dr. Hannah on Instagram at @craftedhealthco.  You can email me at Hannah@craftedhealthco.com.  If you have a c-section scar or postpartum rehab that you would like help with, please reach out to Dr. Hannah.  

Fear of childbirth

Fear of childbirth

An interview with Karen Rothstein of Sacramento Hypnobirthing

This video is available on Instagram here.

Fear

Sometimes moms will think they have fear, and what they really have is just a little bit of worry and a little bit of anxiety. This (technology changes going Live on Instagram) was fear for me. My heart started racing; I started getting a little sweaty. I was getting ready to go into that fight or flight. And when you said, "Do you want to go later?" I was almost gonna go, "Yeah, that sounds like a really good idea." Oh, boy, that is just a perfect, perfect example of what real fear is for me--just having that visceral reaction.

A lot of women come to hypnobirthing because they are referred by their doula or their physician because they have fear. I don't get a lot of what they call primary fear people--people with tokophobia--that's really a fear of childbirth--because usually those people don't get pregnant. 

Distinguishing between worry, anxiety, and real fear

But what I do get is a lot of secondary fear people, and those are people that they may have had a birth trauma, or maybe they lost a pregnancy, and they have high anxiety, and they have real worries that this time it's going to be just a replay of what happened last time, so they get referred to us. We don't diagnose because we're not therapists or educators, but we need to do an assessment and see if they have worry, if they have anxiety, or if possibly they have real fear. When it comes down to real fear, I would say about 70-75% of women have real worry and anxiety. 

Worry

It's important to make a distinction, because a worry is something you can do something about. So here's an example of a worry. Your sister-in-law gives you her used car seat, and she paid a lot of money for it, but you're just not quite sure it is safe for your baby. You end up doing a lot of worrying about it, and you have double worry right? 

If you get a new car seat. You might risk offending.

If you don't get a new car seat, then every time you put your baby in that car seat, you're gonna have a little bit of angst.

A worry is something that you can do something about. You can bite the bullet. Tell her "thank you very much", and get the car seat that makes you feel comfortable. In the long run, that is going to be far healthier than worrying every time you have to put that baby in the car seat. 

Anxieties

The next thing we get are anxieties. Anxieties usually come up somewhere in pregnancy and it's most likely when you go in for one of those checkups and your doctor, or maybe the physician's assistant, or the nurse says something that you just really don't understand, but you're already a little anxious, or you have that white coat anxiety. You don't have a lot of resources in that moment to make decisions in the executive brain, so you don't ask for clarification. You go away from the room, and what happens to you? You just keep running the conversation over and over and over in your head. So by the time you get to me and you've been running that conversation for a while, it takes a little bit of practice to calm that nervous system down. So that's why we think, no matter how you're going to birth, one of the best things you can do is give yourself hypnobirthing education. Together, we start from the beginning, with little mini exercises that help you to calm your nervous system. I mean just breathing alone—that's what I was forgetting to do when I was trying to get on here. If I only stopped to calm my breath, I would have been able to change my whole physiology. But, you know, I didn't do that. Because all of that blood was going away from my brain. And it was getting ready to help me take flight.

Scary birth stories and what Lara calls “mood spread”

So Lara, have you ever sat in a scary movie and been really afraid?  That’s what we call a movie trance.  Even though you knew that wasn’t real, you still had that reaction, right? Where you started breathing a little heavier, perhaps your heart started beating faster.  The subconscious mind doesn't know the difference between what's real and imagined. Anxiety is really worrying on steroids.  So one of the things that happens when you have anxiety is that you keep replaying it in your mind, over and over and over gain.  And pretty soon your subconscious mind takes it as the truth. So you can have little fear or little worries stacking up, and then what it turns into is what I call scary fear. So even if you're not particularly fearful of birthing itself. You can start running your fear trance. That  takes the whole joy out of pregnancy. And well meaning friends, when you say that you’re going to do hypnobirthing or that you’re going to have a natural birth, they have to give you their advice. They go on to share their scary story, and that causes fear in you.  Or you attend a reveal party and you’re obviously pregnant. And so somebody strikes up a conversation with you, and then before you know it everybody is sharing their scary birth stories.  The people who are saying “I had the best birth experience…” those people usually remain silent.  

What can we do?

Breathing

So what we can do first thing is to harness our breath.  Any time you take a deep breath in and you take a longer breath out, you’re going to be calming your Vegas nerve.  We ask women to take a deep breath in to the count of four, have a pause, and then slowly let it out to the count of eight. Just a few breaths like that—as short as 30 seconds, 45 seconds—and you can change your whole physiology, calm your nervous system down. And you can go about your business. Sometimes you can come up with something brilliant to say.  Blood has not drained from you head, and you’ve stayed off the fight or flight treadmill.  

Counting breaths

Lara:  It gets me thinking about what works.  One of the things that worked well for me in labor was that my husband would hold up a certain number of fingers and I had to take that number of breaths.  

That's just really excellent because what that's doing is it's asking you to focus. You're changing your thought pattern as you focus on that and then you have to execute a task, which highlights a different part of the brain. And although women like to think that we can hold two thoughts at once, we really can’t. So that helps you to get down off that platform of fear and have your own focus, which is really important. 

Stroking & touch

And another thing that we teach that's really easy for people to do is to just stroke yourself softly, allowing yourself to feel this type of movement. It's really nice when your birthing companion does it but if they haven't gone into the appointment with you or if they're not standing there when somebody is telling you a scary birth story. Research shows that stroking your skin will do the same thing as taking those calm breaths. It soothes the nervous system. So just when I'm doing that I just kind of go into a light trance.

Yawning

The other thing that works is yawning and stretching out, because those are things that you do when you’re relaxed.  We are changing the physiology of the body. So if you force them, then you’re going to go into that relaxation response.

Breath breaks

We are so stressed as women. We have busy careers. At the time that we're getting pregnant, it's usually the time that many of us are trying to climb up that corporate ladder. Are we going to say no? No. So we have the stress of the looming deadlines, the stress of all of the hormones changing in our body, and we just don't take time to think "I deserve some self love, I deserve some relaxation." So that's one of the things that we stress in hypnobirthing is that every day you need to take breath breaks--five breath breaks a day where you are mindfully breathing. And then when you come home, you want to practice your self hypnosis, because that's gonna put you in that relaxation, what we call the healing room. Just allow yourself to be in that bliss state. And the more you practice going into that state, the easier it will be to get in that state, and the more natural it will feel. Right now our stress state feels natural. In fact, many of us don't know who we are without stress.  

Get started

The next Sacramento Hypnobirthing class starts Monday, October 4, 2021.  There are still two slots left.  I keep the class size small, because some things translate better when you’re in person.  I want to give people an opportunity on a Saturday to get together and do some in person learning, but we want to be COVID cautious too. 

The importance of mindfulness as a parent

The importance of mindfulness as a parent

An interview with Shannon Smith of BellissiMamas

Tell me a little bit about BellissiMamas and about what’s so important about guided meditation.

Shannon:

At BellissiMamas, we are helping moms to be able to create their most beautiful motherhood--whatever that looks like. A lot of what we find in our day as a mother is a lot of chaos. Being able to just set aside five minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever it is that we can set aside for ourselves. Maybe it's when the children are quietly playing or they are just dropped off at school and you've got five minutes in the car to yourself. Maybe it's during nap time. Maybe it's right after you put them to bed. Whenever you can carve out, just a moment for yourself, to be able just to find that peace within the chaos is really important for our mental, our emotional and really our physical well being. So many times what we think and what we ponder on become our reality. And so if we can really protect ourselves and be proactive as mothers, it really pays forward for us in our day. So that picture of the airplane, and the oxygen mask coming down. What do they always tell us?? They tell us that we have to put our oxygen mask on first, before we can help others around us. 

What we've been talking about BellissiMamas this week is gravity, and how gravity can have both a negative and a positive feeling for us in our lives.  Gravity as we know is the force of nature that pulls down on us. And while sometimes it can feel a little suffocating or heavy maybe burdensome, really gravity is just a way of us being able to feel grounded. So as we come together we're going to just be focusing on that aspect of gravity and how it makes us feel grounded and how we can actually slow down and listen to our bodies, and be able to find that peace, and gravity is something that we can embrace. 

Guided meditation is a release. You can just stop, and you're not thinking about what to do next, you're just letting your body be.  

It’s really a challenge.

Shannon:

It really is—especially when we have lots of distractions, whether it's work piled on the table or animals or children running around the room around us. It is. It's a challenge to be able to set aside that attention for ourselves of just peace--just to remove the chaos. 

Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask Before Helping Others

Lara:  

Yes, exactly.  I always talk about the idea that children are emotional sponges.  All of us really are emotional sponges, so the things that we do to put our oxygen mask on, make a difference for all of us.

Shannon:

Oh they really do. We need to have that grounding, that moment, just to process all of the different sensations and feelings and expectations that are put on us throughout the day. Some of them are self-inflicted. Some of them we put on ourselves. It's good to clear the mind, to let our breath guide us. 

And I think a lot of times people think, "I can't do meditation. My mind wanders." Well actually that's a good thing, because your mind was created to think. That's what your mind is supposed to do. That's your work house, right? That's your computer. And so we want our mind to think. When thoughts come and we're processing through those thoughts, we need to be able to acknowledge them, and then evaluate them. Do they serve us? Great! Hold on to those thoughts. Do they not serve us? Let them go. It's like a little bit of a personal inventory. 

Teaching Mindfulness to our Children

It's a good thing to teach our children too. I think it's really important. Our children feel overwhelmed and feel anxiety or stress over different  things, and it’s really helpful if we can really teach our children to quiet their spirit, and just sit down and just be for a moment. So many times we filled their day with activity and school and sports and they're all wonderful things but our children need time to process also. That helps them to be able to behave, to be able to sleep, to be able to process the world.

Lara:

Mom and son blowing bubbles

I love to work with kids to teach them breathing. I like doing bubbles as like a way to teach fast and slow breathing when they're just starting to learn.

Shannon:

Bubbles are so fun. They're soothing anyway as they float through the air. We do a lot of that with our kids a lot, whether it's a stressful moment--whether they can't sleep, whether they're feeling angry. Children have big emotions, and we need to help them to identify, because sometimes they don't even know what it is that they are feeling. And if we're able to help them to identify how they feel and then give them the way to process those feelings, it makes them happier, more content, more at peace, and it makes really our parenting more peaceful. 

Benefits of Mindfulness FOR Our Kids

Lara:

I know that some of my big parenting breakthrough moments were when I was able to stop and just observe what was going on. By being present in the moment, and being able to observe what was happening, I was often able to figure out--not every time, but a lot of times— that was helpful for me to be able to figure out what was happening and what I needed to do about it.

Shannon:

Exactly, just being mindful of the moment and sometimes we don't have those mindful moments until after the fact. And then letting guilt or remorse or regret set in. Okay, well let's use those moments as a catalyst to change so that next time we don't feel regret, remorse--that we can go back and we can say how can I do that differently? Because we're imperfect. Everyone is imperfect, but we're all striving to be the best that we can be, to be able to process the world. We didn't get to choose the world. The world is what it is, but how we choose to navigate through it is really important, we can teach our children the same thing.

Guilt versus Shame: Mindfulness as a Personal Inventory

Lara:

Reminds me of the way that Brené Brown talks about guilt versus shame. Guilt is "I made a mistake" and shame is "I am a mistake, I am not enough". Guilt is productive, it helps us to make better choices. Shame is not productive.  It tears us down and tears down those we love.  

Similarly, when we look at the divorce predictors, two of the big divorce predictors are criticism and contempt (sarcasm, eye rolling, mockery).  To me, contempt is shame dumped on others.  

On the other hand, if we say, "I feel upset when you do this," and "I need that,"-- complaining about behavior and saying, "I made a mistake." That’s guilt.  That’s healthy.  If we say, "I am a mistake", "I am not enough", or "you're not enough. You're a mistake," pointing fingers, whether it's at myself or others, it’s not healthy. But saying "I made a mistake" and making a better choice, that’s healthy and part of life.  

Shannon:

And being able to recognize it and to be able to take some time set aside so that you can process all of those feelings, so you can process whatever it is that passes through, and be able to choose, like you said, which ones are you going to keep and which ones do you need to let go.

Find Us

Join Shannon (and Lara) in a guided meditation at https://fb.watch/82vt1DuCc9/

Find Shannon at http://bellissimamas.com

Find Lara at little-elf.org 

Find Lara and Shannon at Placer Birth Connection at https://www.placerbirthconnection.com