Why What You Eat Could Be Waking You Up at Night

The Sleep-Food Connection

Today I am reflecting on the relationship between healthy eating and sleep.  This morning, I was listening to the audiobook “The Sleep Prescription” by Aric A. Prather, Ph.D.  I’ve been slowly working through his sleep “class” in HeadSpace and decided to listen to his audiobook as I work to improve sleep both for myself and for my clients.  I’m just on day 2 at the moment, but this quote really struck me.

“Carb lovers, pay attention here: carbs are an interesting case. Studies have unearthed that while most carbohydrates will actually help you fall asleep faster, only certain types will help you stay asleep. Simple and sugary carbs (think pizza, white bread, bagels, pasta) can cause more wake ups throughout the night. In contrast, complex carbs (again, these are the more high-fiber foods like sweet potatoes, oatmeal, and whole grains) can stabilize your sleep patterns—possibly, Dr. St-Onge theorizes, because they also stabilize your blood sugar.[11]” Excerpt From The Sleep Prescription by Aric A. Prather, PhD  https://books.apple.com/book/id1608147733 This material may be protected by copyright.

My Own Sleep & Glucose Journey

Lately I have discovered that my waking glucose levels are consistently in the pre-diabetic range.  I have been using the Stelo non-prescription continuous glucose monitor and reading books like Good Energy by Dr. Casey Means and The Glucose Revolution by Jessie Inchaupé.   And my sister-in-law gave me an extra Oura ring, which connects with the Stelo to give insights between glucose and other biomarkers! (Such an amazing gift… although I warn that there is an ongoing fee to use the Oura ring in addition to the up-front cost of the ring itself but also I think it’s totally worth it!).

I am learning to use the Glucose Goddess hacks to reduce glucose spikes.  The other day I was looking for an audiobook to read and found The Glucose Goddess Method book, and I am starting on week 1 (savory breakfasts).

A Win: My Sleep-Friendly Snack Experiment

Last night I had “breakfast ice cream” (a recipe from The Glucose Goddess Method savory breakfast chapter) before bed with cherries, and I also added another layer of darkness by wearing a hoodie over my head in addition to my usual eye mask headphones.  And for once I slept through until 5:15 AM when the sun came up!

I learned from an Oura article that tart cherries are a natural source of tryptophan and melatonin—two compounds that support sleep. It’s a helpful guide to foods and drinks that may promote better rest. That said, many of the items on the list (like juice or bananas) can also spike blood sugar, which—as we've seen—can work against healthy sleep. What I loved about my bedtime snack last night is that it combined the “foods to eat before bed” with blood sugar-balancing strategies: tart cherries, full-fat yogurt, and a spoonful of nut butter. It was tasty and stabilizing. I’m not sure if it was the snack or the extra hoodie I pulled over my eyes (on top of my eye mask headphones!) that made the difference, but I actually slept through the night until 5:15 AM (which is sadly rare for me). My blood sugar barely moved, and my fasting glucose this morning was just a little closer to “normal.”

Adapting the Glucose Goddess Method for Families

But the Glucose Goddess Method is written for adults.  How would you adapt it for kids? (Keeping in mind that I speak from the perspective of an “awesome differentiating behavior-changing ninja” rather than as a medical provider and offer this as “how to make this work for us” rather than “Is this right for us?” which is a question for your doctor!)

The Glucose Goddess Method is a 4-week plan for reducing glucose spikes. I love the fact that the approach is about ADDING strategies, not REMOVING or blaming poor food choices.  So in week 1, we focus on eating a savory breakfast that is based on protein and fat and fiber (veggies).  In week 2, she suggests focusing on having one tablespoon per day of vinegar.  In week 3, she suggests adding a vegetable starter to one meal a day.  Week 4 is all about moving our bodies for 10 minutes within 90 minutes of eating at least once per day.

I’m in week 1 and focusing on savory breakfasts at the moment. I’ll keep you posted on what I learn along the way.

Week 1: Savory Breakfasts

If your kid likes eggs, that helps of course.  But she also has several recipes for using full fat plain yogurt, adding an extra protein source (and not adding any sugar) with some fruit.  If this is too big of a jump for you or your kid right now, how could you REDUCE the added sugar one little bit at a time?

Week 2: A Spoonful of Vinegar

In week 2 we reduce glucose spikes by including 1 tablespoon of vinegar in our day.  Let’s be real here. That might be harder to get a kid to accept.  I’m looking forward to trying out some of the recipes to see what might be more kid friendly.  I know that in Healthy Kids, Happy Kids, Dr. Song suggests adding small amounts of sauerkraut juice into ketchup to help get used to the taste, and that certainly has helped me recently.  And of course, every kid is going to react differently.

Week 3: Veggie Starter

Here I would suggest taking a look at what veggies your kids will eat and work from there.  If the answer is “none”, then it’s time to start experimenting and modeling.  You could try some recipes from The Glucose Goddess Method or from something like Elizabeth Pantley’s No-Cry Picky Eater Solution.  The Ellyn Satter Institute has some great materials on feeding responsibilities that review what you are responsible for as a parent in a feeding situation.  Can you MAKE a kid eat?  No.  But you can offer. You can be thoughtful. You can make mealtimes enjoyable.

Week 4: Move After Meals

When it comes to exercise after a meal, MAYBE we can force our kids to walk with us.  (But honestly right now when it’s too hot for an outdoor walk, my dog Charlie is seriously not happy with me when I walk in place.  We need to find a compromise here!). But what I’ve noticed in working with kids and families over the years is that what works the best in the long term is for the ADULTS to model the behavior and INVITE kids to join us without any pressure.  If kids see us doing it and they see that we are enjoying it and feeling better, that can spread.

Start with You: Modeling Healthy Habits

With all of these strategies, whether it’s savory breakfasts, vinegar, a veggie starter, or moving after meals, our focus needs to be on MODELING the behavior that we want our kid to catch.  Then we want to break our goals into small, manageable pieces and celebrate the small wins with no judgment or punishment — for ourselves or our family members.

Your Mission: Make Healthy Choices Contagious

So where do we go from here?  Your mission is to improve sleep for yourself and your family by making healthy eating contagious and reducing glucose spikes, noticing how it changes YOUR mood and what works for making it contagious.  Take it at your own pace.  Do you want to do one Glucose Goddess hack a week?  Great!  Do you need two or three weeks?  Do it!  Any lessons learned that you want to share? Let me know!

50 ways to take a break

This is a handout that I reference a lot both to generate ideas for myself and for my clients. I use it both for breaks and for celebrations! Which one are you going to do next?

50 ways to take a break!

Tired & Stressed? These Simple Habits Will Change Your Life

Routines have been a fundamental part of my life since I got married (25 years ago!) and especially during times when I’ve had a young child and/or a dog at home (the last 16+ years). Here are some of my favorite sources of my favorite routines. The challenging part is to not try to do them all at once! Pick one or two to start with! Break things into small pieces, and if you need some support, read out to me and let’s chat!

Remember DEER:

Drink water

Eat something nutritious

Exercise

Rest

DEER: Drink water, Eat something nutritious, Exercise, and Rest. I learned this acronym from GriefShare, and I use it pretty much all the time. I ask my body: Body, what do you need next? Do you need some water, food, movement, or rest? Then I read Healthy Kids, Happy Kids by Dr. Elisa Song, and she calls it the “5 Things Challenge” for gut health. Part II of the book is: Create microbiome magic with the 5 things your child does every day: hydrate, nourish (what we eat or don’t eat), move, breathe, and prioritize sleep. Can you see how these 5 things are exactly the same 5 things as DEER? Rest is just broken down into two pieces: breathing and prioritizing sleep!

Once the DEER basics are in place, I would take a look at relationship routines. For that I would go to the Gottman Institute for the 6 hours a week to a better relationship. While 6 hours seems like a lot, many of them are things that take less than 10 minutes a day, and truthfully you are probably doing many of them without even realizing it. For example, we can create routines for kissing hello and goodbye to our partner or for giving long hugs to our kids. We can create routines for physical affection, for the “how was your day?” conversation, and for expressing appreciation and fondness to one another. The key is to turn them from unconscious and inconsistent to conscious and growing in consistency.

To me, routines are important because they help us to break tasks into smaller pieces and reduce overwhelm. One of the first ways that I learned to do this is with FlyLady.net way back as a newlywed. She says “I can do anything for 15 minutes!” I tend to say “I can do anything for 3 minutes!” but the concept is the same. Her work was influential for me to learn to reduce perfectionism and all or nothing thinking and to do one baby step at a time.

Guiding Families Toward Rest, Connection, and Joy

At Little Elf Family Services, I believe that parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection. Families thrive when they feel supported, equipped, and empowered, and my work is designed to help parents move from exhaustion and frustration to confidence and joy.

As a sleep consultant, marriage and parenting coach, and early childhood special educator, I blend evidence-based strategies with compassionate support. My approach draws from experts like John & Julie Gottman, Bruce Perry, Stewart Brown, Brené Brown, and Dan Siegel, helping families find solutions that align with their values and unique needs.

A Calm & Connected Approach to Parenting

Parenting can feel overwhelming, but struggle and confrontation don’t have to be the norm. Clients often express relief when they realize they don’t have to panic over each new challenge. Instead, they learn to approach problems with a steady, thoughtful perspective, making small shifts that create lasting positive change.

“We knew we didn't need to panic when facing a new problem as you would be there, guiding us.”
“We’re also constantly amazed by how your parenting philosophy has minimized confrontation and struggle, and allowed us to focus on the happy and joyful moments that our child brings us.”

Empowering Families with Practical Tools

I provide resources, guidance, and encouragement—but the real magic happens when families take those tools and make them their own. My work isn’t about fixing families; it’s about helping them find their own strengths and rhythm.

"She won’t do the work for you—but she will give you resources, tools, and support to do it yourself. And she will be cheering you on every step of the way.”

Science-Backed Strategies for Real-Life Parenting

From gentle start-up conversations (a Gottman-based approach that reduces conflict) to completing stress cycles (so parents don’t carry frustration day after day), my work is rooted in strategies that make a real difference. Laughter, connection, and small, consistent changes help families shift from surviving to thriving.

"We are better parents, a better couple, and better people for knowing her and having worked with her."

Whether you’re navigating infant sleep, toddler emotions, or the ups and downs of parenting, my goal is to help you feel rested, connected, and confident—so you can focus on what truly matters: the joyful moments in family life.

**This post was created by ChatGPT to summarize my work and includes real testimonials from real people that I have served. I love it and it fits me beautifully, so I am sharing it here.

Breathing Techniques for Kids

Blow big bubbles to practice slow, calm breaths. Then see how you can blow many small bubbles when you breathe faster!

While we are on the topic of breathing, here are some other breathing strategies that I recommend to my clients often:

• Kira Willey’s Mindful Moments for Kids

• Conscious Discipline breathing exercises for kids and parents (YouTube playlist)

• My favorite Conscious Discipline breathing video

While researching for this blog post, I also found this cute puffer fish that goes up and down as you breathe and I kind of love it!

Also I love to remind parents that blowing bubbles is an awesome way to practice breathing! Blow big bubbles to practice slow, calm breaths. Then see how you can blow many small bubbles when you breathe faster! Can you blow bubbles with belly breathing? Just know that shaking bubbles or waving the wand inside of the bubble solution will make the solution get foamy and stop working.

Reminder: Why practice breathing with your kids? It builds calm. It tells the brain that they are safe, which can help them to think more clearly and make better decisions. It can help to reduce cortisol, which can be helpful as part of a pre-sleep routine to help prepare the body for rest and shut off from a busy day. It also helps with gut health, according to Dr. Elisa Song of the book Healthy Kids, Happy Kids.

April additions: One of the things I love to do is to use the things that kids already know and love and build on it! So recently I found:

Pokemon breathing!

Minecraft breathing!

Dinosaur breathing!

What would YOUR kids add to this list? Can you find some videos on YouTube? Share them with me!

Lessons on sleep training from one of my favorite teachers: Charlie "the dog" Elfstrand

Lessons from Charlie about sleep training:

My favorite sleep teacher, Charlie Elfstrand, even though I have certainly learned a lot from the human variety as well!

Lot of times people ask me about sleep training and “cry it out” methods, and I think that what is happening in my house right now is a great example of my beliefs and strategies as of March 2025. Keep in mind that I am scheduled to become a Circle of Security Facilitator (based on years of attachment research) in April 2025, so please stay tuned to see if or how that changes things!. From what I can tell so far, this fits really nicely.

TLDR: I am focused on coregulation, creating a sense of DEEP calm in my body that I can spread through singing and presence, observation of how much stimulation is helpful (or not!), and use a custom approach based on the individual.

On Friday night I decided to resume doing sleep training with Charlie. When I say that, here’s what I mean.

I am stretching his self-soothing muscles by creating a calm deep inside my body and focusing on spreading that calm while also noticing how much stimulation and attention is helpful and how much is unhelpful. Yesterday was a calmer day for us than other recent days, so I figured that he had more capacity for practicing. Also the quality of the barking had a sad sound to it that said he was tired and was fighting sleep and wanted to be with me, maybe didn’t want to sleep, but it didn’t sound like he was afraid or scared or panicing.

How am I doing it?

Here are my notes from last night:

I put on some ridiculously soothing music that is singing about things like “love is here now” and “let the water wash away your tears, let the fire burn away your fears.” (A HUGE thank you to Alexia Chellun for her musical contribution to our success tonight!) I am singing along to it the best as I can (imperfect is more than fine! He does not care!). I put one hand on my chest and the other on my belly so that I can focus on taking deep, soothing belly breaths (attempting not to move my chest hand with my breath but to feel the warmth of my hand there and to feel the breath in my diaphragm/in my belly). I am rocking and soothing myself to create a ridiculously soothing, confident environment. I am closing my eyes so that he is not able to engage with me, and because it lets me focus on the feeling of my hand on my chest and of being enveloped by the soothing sounds of the music. The crate is covered on 3 sides, and the pen around it also is covered. So he can come out of the crate and maybe see the top of my head to know that I am here with him, but the stimulation level is low. And little by little I am moving away from the crate. As I make sounds, he is getting up again, but each time he is settling a little bit faster than the time before. To me, it feels right. It feels like a level of challenge that is not too easy but not too overwhelming. He got practice at the crate and at soothing himself to sleep, but with an environment that is as peaceful and confident as I can absolutely possibly make it. And he has now had 3 weeks of supplements so I know that his nutrition is improving. Now we will see if I can start to move around the kitchen and do the dishes.

I wasn’t “responding” with words or with eye contact or even visual contact, but I was responding by spreading my calm presence. I was saying “You’re ok”— not by saying “you’re ok” but by spreading my calm.

Morning Update: Charlie went out for an evening potty break around 9 PM and took a long time to settle back into sleep afterwards. His final bark was around 11 PM. Again, the barks didn’t sound like panic but of struggle to sleep. He is strengthening his settling muscle. And again, I used belly breathing as a way to calm him. In fact, I did my evening stretches as a way to wind myself down for sleep but I chose to do them in the living room so that I would be close enough to the crate so that he could know that I was with him (but not so close that he would be too distracted trying to get my attention)..

Afternoon Update: The noise sensitivity is real. And T Berry Brazelton used to say that development is not linear, and that is definitely proving to be true. We had a great morning with a nice walk and plenty of interaction time. Then I put him down for an afternoon nap. It was the first in-the-crate afternoon nap in weeks. Again, he seemed at first to settle easily. But then I would make a noise and he would come back out of the crate to see what I was doing. Then he was starting to settle, and it happened again. I tried to do my stretch video, but this time he could see me and he isn’t as familiar with that music. No go. He was getting more worked up, not less. All needs were met and my goal was and is to spread calm. I decided to take a shower. In the past, showering in the shower next to the crate has been calming. And I was right. He calmed down to the sound of the water. (Sadly, so far when I have tried water sounds on the iPad or sound machine, it didn’t work the same way! Still brainstorming there). Yet again he got up when the shower turned off. But as I got out of the shower, he was able to settle. And I decided to be as quiet as possible, because after all of those starts and stops I think he just needed a chance to actually settle without being interrupted. His “settling muscle” had been strengthened enough for one nap! So I sneaked quietly across the hall to my office to write this blog. He stayed asleep until my hubby got home, and then he slept on his bed next to my computer for a bit until he heard another noise.

So what are some takeaways that you could use with your kid(s)?

During the day:

• Consider gut health and looking for ways to improve things like hydration; intake of fruits, veggies, meats, and fermented foods; reducing things like pesticides and food colorings and food additives; exercise; using breathing as a way to calm and de-stress and to create a positive, calm mood worth spreading

• Consider how you can take a “stress break” and make the day as soothing as possible. If possible, choose a day when the stress levels have been lower than other days.

• Stress that builds resilience is predictable, controllable, and moderate (credit: Dr. Bruce Perry). The timing of when Charlie goes into the crate is pretty predictable: he has an afternoon nap and a time that he sleeps at night. And today before he went into the crate, I reviewed the plan with him. I literally told him that within the next half hour he was going to go into the crate, then I was going to close the door and sing to him while he went to sleep, and then I would come back for him before he needs his dinner. I am reading his cues to figure out how to give him as many choices as I can come up with that still allow him to get his sleep and me to be able to get my needs met too. And I am looking for ways to make the self-soothing practice a moderate level of challenge: not too easy but also not letting him bark and loose his mind for hours. In the end, he was calm more than he was upset even though the process has taken sometimes a couple of hours as he is settling and then getting up and then settling again.

SETTLING FOR SLEEP

• Consider how to soothe yourself and create a spa-like environment for sleep'

• Consider how to keep then level of stimulation low with lots of opportunities to know that they are loved and safe but very few opportunities for interaction when it’s time to actually start sleeping.

• What lullabies do you know that sing about love and belonging and peace and acceptance? Are there songs that make YOU feel safe and loved and confident and peaceful? For some ideas, check out my pre-sleep playlist.

I’ve been reading Raising a Secure Child by Kent Hoffman et al., and I signed up to become a Circle of Security Facilitator (coming up in April!). As I learn more about Circle of Security, I’ve been reflecting a lot about what it means to be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind. To me, this method of sleep training fits with that because it is focused on finding the “just right challenge”, spreading calm, and being with Charlie as he works to figure it out… yet stepping back when it seems like that’s what he needs. Stay tuned for more information about Circle of Security and attachment!

Secrets to supporting your child's sleep while traveling

Have a trip coming up with your children? Here are some things to keep in mind to keep everyone feeling rested and getting along!

Make a plan

First, set aside some time before the trip to make a plan. See if you can find out what the space will be like where you are traveling. Are there options that would allow each person to have their own space? If you’re traveling to an event, what are the options for quiet? Consider your child’s personality and needs. What are key elements of their routine and of their sleep space that you can re-create in the new environment? (This is a great topic to create “Family Meeting Magic”. To get started, download my free PDF now which will get you signed up to hear more about my upcoming parenting summit!)

Dealing with “jet lag”

According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine’s “Three Ways to Sleep Like a Pro Athlete”, “For each time zone you travel through, it will take one day for your body to adjust your circadian rhythm to your new location. So, if you cross three time zones on a coast-to-coast flight, you’ll need three days to adjust.” So keep that in mind as you are planning your time.

Daytime strategies

1) How much sleep does each child typically get during the day? How long do they tend to be able to stay awake happily? Is there a way that you can re-create the amount of daytime sleep, the amount of nighttime sleep, and the amount of time that they are awake during the day, even if the schedule itself changes a bit?

2) What are the options for getting in some sunlight or time outdoors during the day? See if you can explore your options.

3) What are your options for getting in some physical movement or fun exercise while you are away? Can you have a morning dance party? Can you walk or hike or swim?

Nighttime strategies

If you can, leave time to wind down from the busy day! Try to keep your bedtime routine as close to normal as you can. Bring the things from home that you can easily pack. Make a list as part of your family pre-meeting! Do your kids benefit from a bath before bed? A story? Some quiet music?

“Crashing into bed to try to hit eight hours of sleep may not be helpful if your body is still stressed or full of energy. If you get seven and a half hours of sleep and use those 30 minutes to wind down by listening to a podcast, reading a book, or doing any calming activity – that break might just be more beneficial than rushing to bed and struggling to fall asleep” (Three ways to sleep like a pro athelete). For example, I found that my deep sleep scores on my Apple Watch were looking really low. Then last night I did a 15 minute stretch to quiet, soothing music before bed and my deep sleep scores more than doubled! That’s just one person over the course of a few nights, but it’s something to keep in mind as you prepare for your trip!

Other nighttime strategies to remember:

• Keep the room cool, dark, and quiet

• Can you bring some white noise? What can you do to support the sound environment for each person?

• Can you turn off screens 30-60 minutes before bedtime or at least make sure that your blue light filtering is working effectively on those screens?

In the moment

I’m always thinking about “What are the things I can control? And what are the things I can’t control and need to let go of?” The serenity prayer: Give me peace to accept the things I can’t change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. With some planning, you can help everyone to feel more rested and advocate for the needs of you and your child. And then your mission is to relax and go with the flow for the rest. Enjoy your travels!

Resources:

Center for Pediatric Sleep Management

www.sleepeducation.org from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine: Best ways to improve sleep without medication and Three Ways to Sleep like a Pro Athlete.

She’s like a walking, talking hug—except way smarter and with better advice

*“Okay, everybody, listen up—because I need you to understand how incredible Lara is.

Absolute legend. Total rockstar of a human. She’s like a walking, talking hug—except way smarter and with better advice. Seriously, if you’ve got a problem, she’ll solve it with science, love, and probably some magical fairy dust.

She’s basically a wizard. You got a kid who won’t sleep? She’ll fix it. A toddler with big feelings? She’s got you. A couple trying to keep their marriage strong while raising little chaos gremlins? She’s got strategies for days.

She knows everything about sleep—like, scientifically. She’s certified up the wazoo and customizes everything for every family, whether their kid is neurotypical or has unique challenges. And connection? Oh my God, she is the queen of helping families actually enjoy each other. She’s trained in all this brainy, therapeutic stuff, she teaches people how to massage their babies (which, by the way, is ADORABLE), and she literally helps parents not lose their minds.

But thriving? That’s her secret sauce. She’s got the degrees, the credentials, and the biggest heart. She knows how to break down overwhelming parenting stuff into tiny, manageable steps, and she’ll remind you that you’re doing better than you think.

Basically, she’s out here making the world a better, more rested, more connected place, one family at a time. If you don’t know her, you’re missing out. If you do, congratulations, you’ve already won at life. Cheers to her!”*

According to ChatGPT, this is what my drunk best friend would say about me and my business. I like it! 🤣

A special Valentine's Day treat!

This morning when I woke up, I was struggling to figure out how to celebrate Valentine’s Day with my larger tribe. I have been thinking on this for months, but honestly perfectionism got the best of me. Yet the celebration and the self compassion that I was looking for was waiting for me at just the right time!

One of my mentors, Stasia Savasuk, sent this out this morning and it feels like the perfect way to share Valentine’s Day with all of my people. And if you are reading this right now and WANT to be one of my people, please include yourself!

Stasia says:

Instead of waiting around for someone to LOVE YOU ENOUGH today, I invite you to FEEL THE LOVE that's already alive inside of you.

And when I say "feel the love," I really mean FEEL THE LOVE. As in, WHERE do you feel the love inside your body? What does it FEEL LIKE? How does FEELING THE LOVE make you feel?

I'm not gonna leave you to your imagination here. I'm going to WALK YOU THROUGH exactly how to do this.

I know you're busy. But today of ALL THE DAYS, you are worthy of the 6 minutes it's gonna take to watch this video, and fill yourself with love, from the inside out.

LOVE is a resource you have inside of you. Something you can draw up anytime you need it. 

I know you know how to do that. Because if you're anything like me (human!), you can draw up the most dramatic worst-case-scenerios in the world like it's your full time job––and FEEL THEM for days! 

Same mechanism. You're just drawing up a GOOD MEMORY, not a shitty one. 

After you watch the video, if you’re willing, share what memory came to mind for you!

Then follow Stasia on Instagram or sign up for her email list on her website.

(Email shared with Stasia’s permission.)

The #1 secret to healthy relationships

Have you ever found yourself reacting in a way that you later regretted—criticizing or blaming a loved one, shutting down, or getting defensive? Understanding why this happens is key to building healthy relationships.

One of the most powerful tools for understanding our reactions comes from Dr. Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain. This simple yet profound model helps us see why we sometimes lose control in moments of stress and how we can regain balance.

The Hand Model of the Brain

Hand model of the brain. This is Lara’s hand. The illustration is by Dr. Dan Siegel

Put your hand up in front of you. Your hand can serve as a simplified model of the brain:

• Forearm: Represents the spinal cord, where information flows between the body and the brain.

• Palm/Base of the Brain: Represents the brainstem, which regulates essential functions like heart rate and breathing.

• Thumb (Folded into Palm): Represents the limbic system, the emotional center of the brain.

• Fingers (Wrapped Over the Thumb): Represent the cortex, the thinking brain, which helps with reasoning, problem-solving, and self-control.

At the base of the brain, there’s a “gatekeeper” (the fancy word is neuroception) constantly asking, “Am I safe?” If the answer is yes, our thinking brain stays engaged, allowing us to respond thoughtfully. If the answer is no, our brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, and we “flip our lid”—losing access to clear thinking and reacting impulsively instead. To see this illustration explained by the creator, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.

Why This Matters in Relationships

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

Before I learned about the hand model, I had heard of fight or flight, but I didn’t understand how it affected my relationships. Here’s a real-life example:

I was cooking dinner and grabbed a pan that had just been in the oven. Instantly, my brain didn’t wait for a careful decision—it reacted immediately, making me pull my hand away. This is an example of my brain protecting me in a moment of danger.

But here’s the problem: our brains don’t distinguish between physical danger (a hot pan) and emotional danger (a hurtful comment from a loved one). If someone I care about criticizes me, blames me, or says something that feels insulting, my brain reacts the same way—it flips the lid, and I lose access to my thinking brain. This is when we tend to use behaviors that damage relationships, like criticism, mockery, withdrawing from the interaction, or reacting defensively.

How to Prevent “Lid-Flipping Fests”

Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash.

1. Recognize when your lid is flipping. Create a family culture where it’s safe to take a break to calm down before responding, and where trust is built by coming back to the discussion and continuing the discussion after you are calm.

2. Take at least 20 minutes to calm both body and mind. It takes time for stress hormones to clear. But be mindful—if you spend that time ruminating on how unfair or frustrating the situation is, you won’t actually calm down. Instead, you can read a book, watch something that makes you laugh, or try a progressive muscle relaxation.

3. Teach good behavior to your child before or after a tantrum. When a child’s lid is flipped, they literally can’t hear or process logic. Teach problem-solving skills when they’re calm.

4. Focus on respect and clarity. When we stay calm, we can express our needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame. This helps keep the conversation productive and prevents unnecessary hurt.

Understanding how our brain works in moments of stress allows us to respond instead of react. It’s a game-changer for strengthening relationships with our partners, children, and loved ones.

For a deeper dive, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.

Want to learn more about the behaviors that predict relationship meltdowns? Watch this video of Dr. John Gottman on Anderson Cooper.

Want tips on how to express needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame? Watch this video of Dr. Julie Gottman.