As adults, many conflicts begin when our needs go unmet. Maybe we express our need when our partner is busy doing something else. Or perhaps we feel scared that our partner won't be willing or able to meet our need, so we don't express it or we use hints to "test the waters." A key strategy of the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program is to express our needs clearly and regularly so that they don't build up or escape our mouths as criticism or contempt. (Dr. Gottman calls this a negative bid - expressing our bid, or request, in a negative way).
Step 2: Respond to bids mindfully
The next step in this challenge is to slow down, breathe, recognize bids, and RESPOND MINDFULLY.
In the Bringing Baby Home class, Dr. Gottman talks about the importance of recognizing bids and responding to them intentionally. The motto of the workshop is "small things often."
When we notice that our partner or our child is making a bid for connection, we have several ways that we can respond.
1. We can turn towards. This means that we respond to their request for connection by connecting with them.
Step 1: Recognizing bids
The first step in this challenge is to slow down, breathe, and then RECOGNIZE BIDS.
As I mentioned in this month's newsletter, a bid is defined as the way that a person expresses what they need at the moment.
Some examples of bids that our partner might make include:
- A bid for our attention, such as calling our name or saying "Look at this"
