We tend to stonewall when we feel attacked or "flooded".
Take a look at this video from Julie Gottman describing the importance of taking a break, and how to do it effectively.
Stonewalling
What stonewalling means is that we become so upset by the interaction that we shut down. The listener withdrawals from the interaction, usually out of fear that speaking will make the problem worse. Stonewalling appears to be an attempt to withdraw to calm down or to self-soothe.
The antidote to stonewalling is to take a break from the discussion. As part of Dr. Gottman's research, he asked couples in his love lab to discuss a topic that they experienced conflict about. Then with some of the couples, he told them that the equipment was broken and would they please read some magazines while they fixed the equipment. This gave the couples the opportunity to self-soothe. The couples who took this break in the argument ended up having more productive conflict management discussions than the couples who continued to argue without a break. A good break needs to be at least 20 minutes long, and it needs to focus on soothing without spending the whole time obsessing about the problem. That allows our brain to get out of "fight or flight" and be able to think more clearly, with a better chance of being able to access more of our brain.
The antidote to contempt: creating a culture of appreciation
Contempt
When we are contemptuous, we make ourselves feel superior to the person we are with. We use insults or name-calling. We use sarcasm. We are cynical. We use mockery and hostile humor. Our body language may include sneering or rolling our eyes.
Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen.
The antidote to contemptuousness is to create a culture of appreciation. (Note that we talked about this during the 5:1 ratio challenge.)
The antidote to defensiveness: taking responsibility
Defensiveness
Defensiveness means that we are denying any responsibility for the problem. We often use negative body language. We believe that the problem is all our partner's fault (or our child's fault, etc.) When we feel defensive, we respond to a complaint with another complaint. We whine. We feel attacked.
The antidote to defensiveness is to accept some responsibility for our part of the problem.
The antidote to criticism: Complaining about behavior without blaming
Criticism
Our first goal is to recognize when we are being critical. Criticism is defined as attacking the character of a person. It involves suggesting that the problem is related to a defect in the other person's character. It often involves phrases such as "you always" or "you never." The antidote to criticism is to complain about behavior without attacking the person. We do this by practicing a gentle start-up. When we feel attacked, we take a break to calm down before bringing up the issue. When we are calm, we can think more clearly and express the problem in terms like "When you [state the problem behavior], I feel [hurt, upset, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc.]. I need..."
Welcome to the January Team Challenge
In order to create a home where children can learn and thrive, we are focusing this month on building a strong parenting team. There are many aspects to what it means to be a good team player. But for now:
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to identify when Dr. Gottman's "four horsemen" (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) are happening in your family, and to use their antidotes to defeat them.
To get started, check out our January newsletter.
Then watch this video from the Gottman Institute.
Play challenge personal update
Some more ways that I am experimenting with play:
- Wearing a scarf to visit families so that I can play peekaboo with the babies and toddlers
- Light saber battles with wrapping paper tubes
- Making a race car out of a cardboard box with the nephews
- Extra walks and time on the elliptical
- Finished Stuart Brown's book Play, and now I'm starting to read The Gift of Play: Why Adult Women Stop Playing And How To Start Again. by Brannen, Barbara
- I'm exploring the things that I've enjoyed doing in the past. I'm learning that I enjoy physical play, and generally I enjoy getting outdoors. I miss ice skating on a pond in the wintertime. I miss walks through the creeks of western New York. I enjoy walking on local trails, such as the Los Gatos Creek Trail. I'm planning some dates with my hubby to go dancing.
- Getting face-to-face with the babies and toddlers that I work with, observing them and enjoying their sweet smiles.
- I enjoy playing with the props that I use to emphasize a point when I am teaching or speaking. For example, I love to bring funny glasses to use to help us to look through someone else's point of view. I love to bring brain stress balls to teach about calming down first before trying to problem-solve. I love to use bubbles to teach babies (and adults) to calm and control their breath.
The role of play in development
Play builds strong bodies and strong minds. Because play allows children to practice situations before they get to them, play relieves stress and provides an opportunity for children to work out their fears. Through careful observation and allowing the child to direct their own play, adults are given an opportunity to understand children better. When I became a parent, I remember being surprised to find that there was a purpose for toys that went beyond just having fun! It was very interesting for me to find out how much kids learn from toys, even from a very young age. They can learn cause and effect, reaching, grasping, a desire for mobility when they see something out of reach that they want - just to name a few.
Play begins at infancy through simple, solitary observation of the world. As the child’s cognitive and motor skills improve, he is able to interact more and more with both the objects and the people in his environment.
In the next stage of play, children begin playing independently. As Piaget says, they become “little scientists” and explore the world by learning cause and effect relationships. For example, they might drop a plate over and over again to see what happens - both the sound and movement that the plate makes as it hits the floor and also the caregiver’s reaction.
As children’s cognitive, social, and language skills improve, children first start to notice what other children are doing, and then they move into what is called “parallel play.” This means that the children are playing independently but next to each other. In this stage, they also start noticing other children (and adults) around them, observing them, and imitating their behavior.
Finally, children arrive at a stage where their play becomes more interactive. As their cognitive skills improve, children learn mental representation, which allows them to begin to pretend. First they participate in associative play by borrowing, lending, sharing, etc. They can also start to play cooperative or organized play such as games and shared goals (Cook et al., 2008).
The impact of play during pregnancy
“An expectant mother’s play can lower her stress levels and help lessen the discomforts of pregnancy, but that playfulness can also help preform the mind-set of the baby inside her.”
Excerpt From
Play
Stuart Brown, M.D. & Christopher Vaughan
https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/play/id357998110?mt=11
This material may be protected by copyright.
Coming soon: The January "Team Challenge"
Come back January 2nd after 2 PM to learn more about the January "Team Challenge."
But I'm so busy to play!
How we respond to invitations to play impacts our family relationships. Check out this article from the Gottman Institute blog about responding to bids.
A fun video on the importance of play
What Play Can Teach Us
Playing together with the same materials
California Infant/Toddler Learning & Development Foundations: Symbolic Play
A chart representing ways that children use symbolic play at different ages, from the California Department of Education.
How and Why to Encourage Pretend Play - from the Hanen Centre
The Hanen Centre is a nonprofit organization from Canada that helps to promote language, social and literacy skills in young children.
Here the Hanen Centre presents a great article on the stages and importance of pretend play.
