Over the next four months, our challenges are going to focus on the antidotes to the "four horsemen." In February we are going to focus on the antidote to contempt: creating a culture of appreciation. In March we will focus on the antidote to criticism: complaining without blaming. In April, we will focus on the antidote to defensiveness: accepting responsibility for our part of the problem. In May, we will focus on the antidote to stonewalling: taking breaks to calm down. Join me and the Little Elf family as we strengthen our families and make our lives more positive and playful!
The battle between play and eduction
So often it seems like there is a battle going on between play and education. Many people seem to feel that education is something that must be done sitting in rows at desks, and that worksheets are the most sure way to teach and to learn. Yet play is so important for children, and many parents and schools overlook play as unimportant. The following quote describes a study that was done to see how play impacts learning. Specifically, they tested to see if there was a correlation between literacy and time spent in sociodramatic play.
Date night challenge
Experiment: Watch a movie and see if you can find examples of "The Four Horsemen" and/or their antidotes. What movie did you watch? What did you learn? Share what you learned!
The antidote to stonewalling: taking a break
We tend to stonewall when we feel attacked or "flooded".
Take a look at this video from Julie Gottman describing the importance of taking a break, and how to do it effectively.
Stonewalling
What stonewalling means is that we become so upset by the interaction that we shut down. The listener withdrawals from the interaction, usually out of fear that speaking will make the problem worse. Stonewalling appears to be an attempt to withdraw to calm down or to self-soothe.
The antidote to stonewalling is to take a break from the discussion. As part of Dr. Gottman's research, he asked couples in his love lab to discuss a topic that they experienced conflict about.
The antidote to contempt: creating a culture of appreciation
Contempt
When we are contemptuous, we make ourselves feel superior to the person we are with. We use insults or name-calling. We use sarcasm. We are cynical. We use mockery and hostile humor. Our body language may include sneering or rolling our eyes.
Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen.
The antidote to contemptuousness is to create a culture of appreciation. (Note that we talked about this during the 5:1 ratio challenge.)
The antidote to defensiveness: taking responsibility
Defensiveness
Defensiveness means that we are denying any responsibility for the problem. We often use negative body language. We believe that the problem is all our partner's fault (or our child's fault, etc.) When we feel defensive, we respond to a complaint with another complaint. We whine. We feel attacked.
The antidote to defensiveness is to accept some responsibility for our part of the problem.
The antidote to criticism: Complaining about behavior without blaming
Criticism
Our first goal is to recognize when we are being critical. Criticism is defined as attacking the character of a person. It involves suggesting that the problem is related to a defect in the other person's character. It often involves phrases such as "you always" or "you never." The antidote to criticism is to complain about behavior without attacking the person. We do this by practicing a gentle start-up. When we feel attacked, we take a break to calm down before bringing up the issue.
Welcome to the January Team Challenge
In order to create a home where children can learn and thrive, we are focusing this month on building a strong parenting team. There are many aspects to what it means to be a good team player. But for now:
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to identify when Dr. Gottman's "four horsemen" (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) are happening in your family, and to use their antidotes to defeat them.
Play challenge personal update
The role of play in development
Play builds strong bodies and strong minds. Because play allows children to practice situations before they get to them, play relieves stress and provides an opportunity for children to work out their fears. Through careful observation and allowing the child to direct their own play, adults are given an opportunity to understand children better. When I became a parent, I remember being surprised to find that there was a purpose for toys that went beyond just having fun! It was very interesting for me to find out
The impact of play during pregnancy
“An expectant mother’s play can lower her stress levels and help lessen the discomforts of pregnancy, but that playfulness can also help preform the mind-set of the baby inside her.”
Excerpt From
Play
Stuart Brown, M.D. & Christopher Vaughan
https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/play/id357998110?mt=11
This material may be protected by copyright.
Coming soon: The January "Team Challenge"
Come back January 2nd after 2 PM to learn more about the January "Team Challenge."
But I'm so busy to play!
How we respond to invitations to play impacts our family relationships. Check out this article from the Gottman Institute blog about responding to bids.
