A postpartum doula for dads

Recently I had the exciting opportunity to interview Juan Irby II. Juan is a postpartum doula for dads. Here’s an excerpt from our conversation together.

Juan, tell me a little bit about how you got started as a postpartum doula.

I am Juan Irby. I am a postpartum doula for dads and also for families. I'm located in the North Carolina area--the Charlotte/Concord area. I started my journey with my first son, my first child. I went through postpartum depression and anxiety. You know I was having those feelings, okay, I'm not getting enough sleep. Is he okay? My life is changing; my life is not normal anymore.

And as a man, we're taught, “Don't cry. You're okay. Man up.” Things like that. But it's okay for men to cry. It's okay for men to seek help. Seeking help does not mean being defeated at all. And so, when I looked at go seek help there was no help in my area.

So, years go by, a friend of ours came over for Memorial Day, and we started talking about being a postpartum doula. So, I looked into it. I signed up that the next month. And in June, I became a certified postpartum doula and my business is called From Dad to Dudla. So you can find me on Instagram at dadtodudla and my website is www.dad2dudla.com, and I provide services for families, for dads. If you just want to talk and have one-on-one connection, you can share your story; I can share my story. And we can just chat, and go from there. But, my background is in business.

How much do you work in person versus virtually?

So I haven't done any in person yet. I've just done more virtual. I've had a few clients in Seattle, and one in Arizona, and we talk on a weekly basis just to get to know each other and also for me to see where their head space is. I want to make sure that, as a dad that they are not being forgotten in the fourth trimester, and because most dads are forgotten either in the birth or after birth, and I want to make sure that they are not forgotten because they play a great role in their child's life.

What are some of the challenges that dads often face?

Some of the challenges that I've seen, were dads being afraid of not having that one on one bonding time with their child or children. And what I would totally recommend is skin to skin contact. Skin to skin contact is very important within these first few hours of the child's life. And because having skin to skin contact is having your child listen to your heartbeat so it's going to regulate you and also going to regulate your child. It's going to catch on to your hormones, and it's going to calm you down, and also going to calm your child down as well. And just having that skin to skin contact is also going to regulate your child's temperature as well. So just making sure that that contact is there, that's going to start the bond of you and your child and you can do it from an hour, two hours, three hours, as long as you want to.

I love that so much. What else do you like to focus on when you're working with families?

What I like to focus on is the mental health of mom, dad, brother, sister, and everybody that want to be involved in that family. I know most people don't talk about it but I like to prepare a postpartum plan. And by having a postpartum plan, that lets you know, okay, who is going to be allowed to come into my house? Who's going to be allowed to touch my child or children? Who can, you know, do this and do that? And by having that plan and posting it on the refrigerator, or whatever, that gives them, Okay, this is what we need to do. If a baby is crying, okay, why is the baby crying? Is it hungry? Does it need to be changed? And just making sure that all of those options are there on that plan, so that mom can know, dad can know, because we have a lot of first time parents, and they really don't know how to do those things or how to change the diaper how to babywear, and I'm a huge fan of babywearing also.

Do you have any tips about babywearing?

I love the Moby Wrap classic. It's a large sheet of fabric. And I would use that for my skin that skin. So I will take off my shirt, wrap my son up in the Moby wrap, And he will be up against my chest, and also allowed me to get housework done, because he would fall asleep in the Moby Wrap. So while he's still asleep I was able to get things done, and have a sense of normalcy, while he was sleeping. And there tons of wraps out there. You have the Moby Wrap. You have the Katan. There's so many out there and I do recommend babywearing as skin to skin contact. Or just open up your shirt, put him in a blanket and just hold him close.

Do you have any favorite resources that you like to tell parents about?

I do actually, I like to tell people about Postpartum Support International, and being a PSI coordinator for dads. I like to recommend dads to come to the support groups that we have at Postpartum Support International. And they can share their story. They don't have to talk. But if they choose to talk, it's a group of men in there who share their stories. We come together. We have a whatsapp outside of the meeting that we have every month. And so, we check on each other. We say hey, has anybody gone through this yet? Or has anyone tried this? Or has anyone tried that? And that's how we as dads can communicate amongst ourselves. And so that way we can support each other, even though we may not be there in person. We can be there to support them and give them advice via that app.

How would somebody find that and get involved in Postpartum Support International?

So you would go to www.postpartum.net and or just type in Postpartum Support International, and there are a ton of resources on there from therapists to doctors to doulas to postpartum doulas, and there are coordinators that help you find someone located in your area with PSI.

How did you get started being a coordinator with Postpartum Support International?

I was in a doula group on Facebook, and someone reached out to me and said, I think you would be a good fit for this right here. So I did some research on being a PSI coordinator, and I emailed the manager. I was like hey, I would love to do this. My name is Juan Irby. I'm a postpartum doula for dads. I specialize in dads. I want to make sure that they're okay. If I need to lead a support group I can, and go from there. And so she emailed me back and was like, I love this. This is fantastic. I really need you on board ASAP. So, I went through the training, and I am now a PSI coordinator, specialized for dads, and we have a dad Zoom call. It's once a month right now, but we're gonna open it up to maybe once or twice or maybe three times a month. So dads can come in, express themselves and just get things off their chest, and we also have a support group for moms as well. And we also have a support group for women of color, BIPOC, and everything else. Anything you could think of, PSI has it.

Do you have any thoughts on teamwork for new parents?

I do actually. I am a huge advocate for parenting as a team. I would suggest that before you bring the baby home or right when you know that you're pregnant, come up with a plan on who's going to be doing what at home.

Are you guys going to breastfeed or bottle feed? If you do bottle feed, who's going to clean the bottles? Who's going to prepare the bottles? Who's going to make sure that the bottles are sterilized? That plan needs to be put in place because it's okay if one person does it and it's okay if both people do it.

But if we have that plan already, then we can say, "Okay, I'm gonna go down here to warm up the bottle if you can go get the baby." Or, "if you can go and get the baby, I'll go take care of the bottle," and we can tackle this together. And if and when baby does poop or pee then dad can change the diaper while mom gets the bottle, or mom can change the diaper while dad cleans the bottle. Just having those small conversations about that can really benefit the whole entire team. Who's going to take the first shift? Who's going to take the night shift? Who's going to take the day shift? Who's going to take the nap time?

When the baby sleeps, everyone should sleep, and I truly truly recommend that if the baby's sleeping, you need to get some rest as well.

I will also suggest hiring a postpartum doula. Because, while the baby is sleeping, the doula could be doing some laundry. The doula could be preparing a meal or doing those small things that you normally do on a daily basis. Until you guys get back into a routine with this new person, we're going to hire someone to help us out to just do the things that we normally do, because mom just gave birth or just had a c-section, and can't do a lot of going up and down the stairs or walking or things like that.

Dad is here. Dad can go up and down the stairs. Dad can do the laundry. Dad can do this, but dad also needs to rest. Dad also has his own birthing experience. And dad also has his own birthing story. Mom has her birthing story and dad has his birthing story. So I think it's very important for those things to be talked, those things to be expressed to one another, because communication is a big factor when it comes to parenting. And you have to communicate with each other in order for these things to get done.

Have you heard of the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program?

Have you heard of the Gottman Institute and their Bringing Baby Home program? I think it would be like so right up your alley. So the Gottman Institute studied marriage for many years, and they found they can predict, divorce, with like 90-some% accuracy. And so then they studied what happens to marriages when a baby is born. And they found that two thirds of the couples they studied experienced significant amounts of hostility. They created the Bringing Baby Home program to help with that communication that you were talking about, and the teamwork and asking questions, similar to what you're saying about creating a plan around what you're going to do for feeding. There are all kinds of activities in there about what kind of plans you need to make together as a team, and managing conflict and building friendship and intimacy skills. It's one of my many favorite things I like to teach. It’s been a good tool in my toolbox. It has a whole section about why dads are important. In general, dads tend to be super playful, and that is one of their superpowers. The play and the soothing are both things that dads can be really great at. And that's really powerful for the relationship as a couple, and for equality and both parents feeling confident and capable. You’re so right up my alley that I feel like I could just keep talking. But I also was totally hear what you have to say, so anything else that you want to add or anything else that comes to mind, I just love everything that you've. I love your work and and all the stuff I want to thank you so much for being here even, I don't know how much you want to say about where you are right now but congratulations.

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us, Juan! I can’t wait to chat again soon!

Resources

Find Juan Irby on Instagram at dadtodudla and www.dad2dudla.com

www.postpartum.net

Find Bringing Baby Home at little-elf.org/bbh or The Gottman Institute

Watch Juan’s interview here: https://www.facebook.com/placerbirthconnection/videos/557183272376797

A virtual birth doula?

Are you curious about what has happened to birth doulas since the pandemic? I recently interviewed Gemma Mrizo, a local Sacramento birth doula, about how she has been serving families virtually during these last months. Check it out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcfY2bvagQs

Find Gemma at http://www.capitalcitydoulas.com/gemma-mrizo

Interview with a pelvic floor physical therapist on having a baby during a pandemic

I have been interviewing parents and professionals about what it’s like to have a baby during the pandemic. Recently I interviewed Dr. Romy Havard (she/her) of Peregrine Physical Therapy. Dr. Havard provides the East Bay Area, CA with orthopedic, prenatal, postpartum, pelvic floor, and wellness services. She went to UC Berkeley for undergraduate and later attended the UCSF/SFSU Joint Graduate Program in Physical Therapy with MS and DPT degrees. She is also Board Certified in the Orthopedic Section (OCS).

While she uses a broad variety of skills, she is most influenced by the Institute of Physical Art and utilizes functional manual therapy for optimal efficiency. She is also enthusiastic to incorporate concepts from Herman Wallace in pelvic health and contribute to advocacy for postpartum, incontinence, and transgender care.

Here is what we talked about (all emphasis mine):

Me: What are some of the challenges that you have experienced serving families during the pandemic?

Dr. Havard:

For the past 6 months, a lot of the major hospitals have ceased doing in person care for the majority of prenatal appointments. Unless you have dire deliveries, even the one postpartum follow-up is done online with OBGYN. So women who are delivering have little to no before or after care according to ACOG (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists) standards. Normally you have all of your check-ups.  Everything except the ultrasound and the diabetes test is done online unless you have preeclampsia.  New moms are particularly isolated. Some are traumatized. Resources are few. Normally you would meet other moms in a mom group. They don’t have that extra help. They are wondering if their pain and lack of function are normal. I’ve been extraordinarily busy because I’m doing in-person visits. People are driving 45 minutes to see me because they could not be seen closer to home.  I often have women who cry through their appointments.  I have some days where half of my women are crying through their appointments.  

Two years ago ACOG had an article that they released about how postpartum care in the US is substandard.  That one appointment postpartum is not enough. But they didn’t really define what better care would be.  Pelvic physical therapy should be done with all our moms. And even that isn’t being done.  

Me: What are some of the frustrations that you have experienced serving families during the pandemic?

Dr. Havard:

I’m outside the electronic medical system. Smaller offices are easy. I fax them and they get back to me. If I think that this patient needs something specific, those offices are easy to deal with. But most of my patients come from giant Kaiser or giant Sutter. I write them. I fax them. It’s very hard to get them to get the patient what they need. I’m asking for things that are out of my scope of practice. Their lack of participation is alarming. These are things that I can’t do for them. Way more so during the pandemic. A lot of physicians doing Telehealth are doing it from home. If they are never going into the office. If no one is scanning notes and they can’t get to it… I’m not sure what is happening there. It’s even harder to contact doctors. I’m still in the medical system. I still need medical and surgical consultations from doctors. These people are already being seen by these people. I don’t know what’s going on over there. I don’t know if they have had a COVID breakout or what they are going through, but there’s only so many ways that I can send letters through.

Me: What are your fears for new parents at this time?

Dr. Havard:

I just don’t want something to be missed. In pelvic therapy, it’s not life or death, but there are issues around it that I worry that women not pursuing more medical care for things are going to make things worse later. I’m getting more severe diagnoses than I used to as well. I’m having more fecal incontinence patients than I used to and that’s alarming. They should be having consultations with colorectal surgeons, but these are considered non-essential services. I am worrying about their fecal incontinence long-term. I’m trying to be supportive and educate but not be triggering. I want moms to have all the tools, but I don’t want to say “and you need to do this now.” It’s easier when you are treating within a group of integrated professionals. I am not meant to be doing PT on my own with patients. They should be having medical support, nutritional support, GI support.

Me: What do you wish that new parents knew?

Dr. Havard:

New moms should seek care early and really consider preventative strategies. The more you can do to avoid more acute and serious issues, the better you will do and the more options you will have. Pelvic physical therapy is inseparable from the postpartum experience and should be part of postpartum care. Especially for moms who may not even get physicians to look at their pelvic tears. At 3 months, maybe you want to go back to having sex. At 6 months, you want to go back to running. 

… The women who are crying in my office are months from birth and they have been waiting for things to fix themselves. If they had started earlier, it would be a small thing. It wouldn’t interfere in their marriage. It wouldn’t make them start to wonder if they could have another kid.  There are lots of difficult thoughts. 

OBGYN postpartum just wants to make sure your cervix is closed, you’ve passed the placenta, that you don’t have infections, that you have contraception. They are not addressing the pelvic floor. If you are leaking at 6 weeks, that’s not normal. OBGYNs take care of general health, deliveries, general wellness, infection, venereal disease, contraception. Dealing with preventable testing like pap smears. They are not really treating leaking, prolapse, and pelvic pain issues.  Some of them are so helpful, quick to get back to patients.  

On one hand, just doing postpartum care is a little after the fact. Currently in the US and Britain 85% of women will have a perineal tear, 75% will require sutures.  I have one visit during pregnancy to decrease their chance of injury in delivery.  It’s not the same as childbirth education.  It’s just things that moms can do to decrease their injury. OBGYNs don’t necessarily work from the position of the mother ergonomics. It’s more about the baby. Working on the preventative side is great. I do recommend a visit with pelvic physical therapist before or during pregnancy week 30.  You need to start doing the exercises I prescribe daily easily 6-8 weeks before delivery for them to get maximal benefit.  I just had a mom who went through it and had no tearing. This is where we need to move - to not just care for tears postpartum.  In Australia a lot of people have a pelvic PT during labor so mom doesn’t get hurt.  Pelvic physical therapists in the United States don’t have hospital privileges to attend labor and delivery. The least I can do is to do education with moms about taking care of you to avoid tearing, prolapse, urine prolapse, etc.  and sometimes c-section.  

Me: If you were to look ahead to the future and everything amazing that you can imagine comes true, what would that look like?

Dr. Havard:

In Britain about 2 years ago they voted to add pelvic physical therapy to the standard of practice to be included in national health care.  Now even low and middle income women can have this as part of postpartum recovery.  Our mortality rate is equal to Mexico. A lot of the moms I see are also more into progressive prevention. I recommend if I was doing bare minimum for someone who is doing great otherwise is:

- one visit during second trimester in case you need a C-section or to minimize injury

- one visit at 6-8 weeks.

- Another visit ideally around 3-4 months. There’s a big hormonal shift then and a lot of women their repairs get worse at 3-4 months. 1 of 9 births will have a Hashimoto event.

- A visit around 6 months for women if they’re doing great. If they are fine with walking or jogging, a 6 month visit may be enough.

- For cross fit or heavy runners, another visit at 12 months as well.

I just want to send a big shout out to Dr. Havard and thank her for sharing her wisdom and experience. She serves in the East Bay in California. You can find her at https://peregrinept.org.

Top 5 Needs of New Parents

Here are some of the top reasons why a new family reaches out to me:

• The increase in work load and the decrease in sleep can make everyone grumpy. Dads may withdraw, and moms may find themselves critical of their partner. We need skills to keep our friendship strong and resume physical intimacy.  

• Before children, the person who cares the most about a disagreement often wins.  After children, both parents care intensely.  We need better skills for managing conflict than were necessary before children arrived.  

• An individual baby may be fussier than we expected, and it's impacting the family.  We want to know "Why is my baby crying?"

• New parents whose parents divorced want extra support for their relationship so that they don't pass on a legacy of divorce to their kids.   

• New parents want tools to build a supportive relationship with their kids and with each other, finding their own unique balance of kindness and firmness, so that their child grows up to be kind and confident.  

Can you relate?  Do you know someone else who can relate?  I am here to help!  I help couples with young children reduce the long term effects of stress on their relationship and their children.  I help fussy babies; critical, overwhelmed moms; and withdrawn dads to find joy and connection together, so that they experience more joy, better sex, an intimate partnership, and supportive relationships with their kids.  

If this sounds like someone you know, please share this free offer with them.  

Right now I'm starting a new coaching program and I'm giving away 30-minute family breakthrough sessions.  I've opened up just a few slots on my calendar for these free sessions. 

In this session we will:

• Get clear on your specific goals for your family

• Identify what's stopping you from seeing the results you want

• Zero in on your next best step to get you moving forward

To get started on your journey to managing conflict, reducing chaos, and connecting with your family, text "appointment" to 555888 or go to http://www.little-elf.org/appointments.

Photo by Minnie Zhou on Unsplash

Reflections from the journey...

I can’t believe it’s June already. May was largely focused on clarifying who I am, so that I can continue to clarify who I serve and what problem I solve. The clarity is coming in the form of a dimmer switch becoming clearer a little bit at a time.

At the very end of April, I attended the Bringing Baby Home educator training in Sacramento. It meant that I could not attend my business mentorship weekend. Here are a few things that have happened since then:

• I received the paperwork to become a Gottman Bringing Baby Home Training Specialist! Woo hoo!

• I have been slowly working my way through the recordings from the business mentorship retreat that I missed, and putting them into practice. I am working to build a coaching program to support parents who believe that parenting is a skill that can be learned and want to build a home where they and their children can thrive. I help parents to reduce chaos, manage family conflict, and find their child's "just right challenge" so that they and their kids have more laughter and fewer tears! I am the "serenity prayer" parenting coach - helping families to have peace to accept what they cannot change, courage to change the things they can, and wisdom to know the difference.

• I attended a workshop by Michael Bernoff, and as a result I have started to attend improv classes to increase my comfort zone. I am also planning to go back to Toastmasters to continue to improve my speaking and leadership skills.

I have also been participating in Stasia’s Style School. Stasia says, “Style isn't about the clothes. It's about YOU. It's about WHO YOU ARE on the inside. It's about standing strong in your body, and never hiding. It's about COURAGE, CONFIDENCE + CONGRUENCY.”

Today is graduation day from my 5-week Style School class. In my final reflection, I wrote:

So excited to be at the starting line of a new life of inside-outside congruence and hope. I grew up as a shy kid with a main focus of not attracting attention except for good grades. I had just started to get more outgoing, and then I was hit with the loss of 2 babies (one at 18 months and one miscarriage). After we lost our first one, I became an early childhood special educator. It gave me a chance to borrow kids and love on them and their parents. As things have shifted more and more towards inclusion, I find myself starting my own company doing parent coaching. I help parents to reduce chaos, manage family conflict, and find their child's "just right challenge" so that they and their kids have more laughter and fewer tears! I am the "serenity prayer" parenting coach - helping families to have peace to accept what they cannot change, courage to change the things they can, and wisdom to know the difference. I love it, and I am challenged because everyone wants to know "How many kids do you have?" Well, technically none but I'm still a mom! It seemed easier when I was totally in special education and I felt like everyone just "got it" better.

So I just really have appreciated digging into WHO I am and HOW I want to show up in the world. It has helped me to think more and more about my own positive character attributes. It has helped me to step into myself. It has helped me to remember what I'm all about. I am empathetic, insightful, intuitive (my clothes should make me breathe happy when I put them on), observant, playful, a learner (who makes mistakes and learns from them), and I am vibrant (full of LIFE)… The collage is my collage of favorite outfits from Style School.

If you or someone you know would be interested in a free 30 minute clarity call with me to discuss parenting goals and see if we would be a good fit to work together, please reach out to me at 408-679-2220 (text or voice) or lara@little-elf.org. Please also let me know if you need a speaker for a parenting group or parenting meet-up. I have spoken at Infant Development Association, Mothers of Preschoolers, Campbell Parent Participation Preschool, and Kaiser’s Mom & Baby group, and I would love to serve your group as well. Thanks!

Congruency and the Hero's Journey

We have been talking about becoming a superhero to our kids and families.  What does that mean exactly?  Joseph Campbell describes the "hero's journey" as one in which the hero goes on an adventure, battles an enemy, and goes through a transformation in the process.  So I want to be clear that I am not saying that we have to be the traditional "super mom" who does everything easily and looks perfect to all her friends.  In fact, I mean the opposite!  I mean that we are leaving our comfort zones to face unknown enemies, doubts, disbeliefs, and challenges and to see them as battles that bring transformation in our lives and make us stronger!  For me, I continue to work on clarifying WHO I am, what I am good at, and how I can meet the needs of families around me.  

In that spirit, my image today is a compilation created on worditout.comof words that my friends and family have used to describe me.  

My Title:  Mentor for Raising Happy, Respectful Kids Who Love to Learn(Aka the Peace of Mind Parent Coach)

My Superpower:  I create safe spaces for growth and connection.

What I do:  I help parents to reduce chaos, manage family conflict, and set developmentally appropriate expectations so that the whole family thrives.  

Book Recommendation: Level Up Your Life by Steve Kamb

In May, I am scheduling individual free sessions to explore how parenting is going and how I can serve you. Please reach out to me if you are interested!  You can find me at little-elf.org!

Bring Out Your Inner Superhero

As you learned last month, I have teamed up with Live Your Message (www.liveyourmessage.com) to create a Little Elf Family Services that brings out the inner superhero in each of us… starting with me and creating a ripple effect to the families that I serve.  I have joined their year-long mentorship program, where I aim to spend this next year discovering more about who I am at my best self and getting to know my families better.  My goal is to see how my best self can serve your deepest family needs to build a program that provides the highest value for and deep relationships with the families I serve.  I am shifting my focus from “How do I fill my classes?” to “How can I be at my best to bring out your best? How can I support you to get more of your needs met?  How can I help you and your partner and your child(ren) to cry less and smile more and grow as people?”  I aim to provide services of the highest value, so that you say “that was worth every penny I spent.” Last month I promised that these newsletters would reflect what I am learning along the way, so:

My Title:  Mentor for Raising Happy, Respectful Kids Who Love to Learn(Aka the Parenting Jedi Master)

My Superpower:  I create safe spaces for growth and connection.

What I do:  From pregnancy to preschool, I help parents create a nurturing, safe and consistent home so that children grow to be respectful and kind learners. (I turn everyday parents into superheroes for their kids.)

Book Recommendation: Level Up Your Lifeby Steve Kamb

I hope you will join my "office hours” Thursday, April 18 at 1:30 PM or 8 PM for 30 minutes so that we can connect and get to know each other better.  And I am also scheduling individual free sessions to explore how parenting is going and how I can serve you. 

Here's how Office Hours work.  I will be available on Zoom for anyone who wants to chat.  We will spend the time each sharing a high and a low of our week, so that we can get support and encouragement from one another.  

A few notes;
- Download the Zoom app ahead of time so that you don't miss the fun because of technical issues.  
- If you object to being recorded, please let me know that before we start.  
- For now we will start with just a 30 minute call, so please be courteous to ensure that everyone gets a turn to speak.  

Who:
- Any parent or adult family member is crazy about a child and wants the opportunity to share some time together and hear from other parents.  

When:
- Thursday, April 18 at 1:30 PM or 8 PM for 30 minutes

How:
Dial in to:  https://zoom.us/j/6961707205

Power Up! Join Me for Office Hours Today

Just a reminder that I will be hosting Office Hours today

Who:
- Any parent or adult family member is crazy about a child and wants the opportunity to share some time together and hear from other parents.  

When:
- Thursday, March 21 at 1:30 PM or 8 PM for 30 minutes

How:
Dial in to:  https://zoom.us/j/6961707205

Or: +1 408 638 0968, meeting ID 696-170-7205

You're Not Alone: Join Me for Office Hours Today

Just a reminder that we will be starting office hours today!

Dates: Thursday, March 7 and Thursday, March 21 at 1:30 PM or 8 PM for 30 minutes

Dial in to:  https://zoom.us/j/6961707205

Or dial +1 408 638 0968, meeting ID 696-170-7205

Download the app today so that you don’t miss out on any of the fun coming up!