I was reminded this week of a strategy that I haven’t used much, but I am going to focus on this week with Charlie. It’s a strategy that can be used to celebrate your child’s accomplishments, or to point out the impact of their inappropriate behavior. I like to say that where we put our focus is what we get more of. So one of the best strategies to reduce a behavior is to be really aware of what behavior we want instead and then be sure to acknowledge all the little tiny baby steps along the way to that behavior.
The strategy I’m focusing on this week is called “gossiping” (from Dr. Harvey Karp in his books Happiest Toddler on the Block and The Happiest Baby Guide to Sleep. You can watch a video about it here.) What it means is that we can to talk to someone else in our child’s presence (it might even be a loud whisper to a stuffed animal or a bird outside the window) about something awesome that the child did. We can gossip about their accomplishments to grandma on the phone or to the stuffed animal nearby. Given that we are looking for 5 times more positive interactions than negative ones when we are fighting and 20 times more positive interactions than negative ones when we are not fighting (per the Gottman Institute), I strongly suggest that this is an easy way to fill up the emotional bank account. So far, I have used this strategy to gossip to the sitter about how brave Charlie was at the doctor this week, and I told Charlie '“you know, I’ve heard that [the new sitter] is a really amazing person”!
When we gossip about good behaviors, we can combine this strategy with positive descriptive acknowledgement: stating specifically the behavior that they did and what impact it had. For example, in our house the rules are to be safe and respectful. My goal is to point out specific behaviors that are safe and respectful, and I can either tell Charlie directly that he’s being safe and respectful, or for even greater impact I can gossip about it to the neighbors or the animals that we pass by when we are out and about.
It can be helpful to also use the strategy for inappropriate behaviors, but we want to be really careful about creating a culture of appreciation, so I would emphasize using gossiping for praise at LOT more often than we use it to complain about behavior.
We can also use “gossiping” to discourage inappropriate behaviors. Dr. Karp calls this criticism or “reverse praise” because it points out behavior that we dislike. I like the strategy but I personally would not use the term criticism. As a Gottman educator, I use the term criticism to talk about communication that blames the other person’s character, and what we should do instead is to complain about behavior. Dr. Karp agrees but uses the term in a way that I disagree with.
In my mind it’s RIDICULOUSLY important that we use the strategy to complain about behavior and to talk about its impact on other people WITHOUT blaming the child’s character or using name calling. Learn more about this by checking out the Gottman’s Institute’s 4 behaviors that lead to relationship meltdown or Brené Brown talk about the difference between guilt and shame.
Here’s an example of the strategy from Happiest Toddler on the Block:
“Jessica hated it when her 3-year-old shoved her 9-month-old, Camille, and then refused to apologize. It was futile trying to make Lucy say she was sorry. So instead, as soon as Lucy pushed Camille, Jessica would turn her back on Lucy and gossip to Camille (loud enough so her big sister could hear): “It makes you sad when Lucy pushes you,” Jessica said. “You say, ‘Pushing hurts! I don’t like it!’ But if Sister says she’s sorry, it will make Mommy very, very happy!”
Amazingly, Lucy began to say she was sorry. And when she did, Jessica would immediately turn to Lucy and quietly say, “Hey, nice apology, honey. Thanks.” Then she would turn to Camille and whisper, “Camille, did you hear? Lucy said she’s sorry. Yea, Lucy! I like that.”
Excerpt From
Parenting is full of trial and error, and sometimes the most playful strategies are the ones that stick. Gossiping about your child’s accomplishments may feel a little silly at first, but it’s a powerful way to fill up their emotional bank account and encourage the behaviors you want to see more of. I’d love to hear how it works for you—try it out this week and let me know what “gossip” your child overhears!
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