One of my "Why's": The Piña Colada song

When I think about songs that remind me of why I do what I do, one of the top songs that comes to mind is “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes. It’s an oldie but a goodie. :)

If you haven’t heard it in a while, click on the link above and give it a listen. Then come back and check out why this song is so important to me. And I bet that you’ll be singing along as you read, just like I am doing as I write!

This is a song about an almost-affair. The technology is of course outdated: personal ads in the newspaper. But the story is not at all outdated. The couple finds themselves bored of each other and starts to seek excitement elsewhere. They go searching for someone who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. They have stopped getting to know each other. They have stopped expressing their needs to each other. Their relationship has lost its spark, and they have stopped prioritizing each other. But they learn that they actually have more in common than they think. They reconnect. They go back to curiosity and adventure. And that’s what I am here for. I am here to help people to reconnect, to spark curiosity and plan to be spontaneous! Because when we look back on our lives, we are not going to wish that we worked more, but we might wish that we had prioritized our relationships more.

And it’s worth asking; why is a PARENTING coach also doing MARRIAGE coaching? Well, they say that you can measure the health of parents’ relationship by testing the stress hormones in their kids. The quality of our relationships influences our health and immune systems, and it influences our kids’ ability to function in school.

So if connection matters to you but you feel like you’re ready to answer a personal ad, or if you’re early in your relationship and don’t want to get to that point, let’s chat.

The #1 secret to healthy relationships

Have you ever found yourself reacting in a way that you later regretted—criticizing or blaming a loved one, shutting down, or getting defensive? Understanding why this happens is key to building healthy relationships.

One of the most powerful tools for understanding our reactions comes from Dr. Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain. This simple yet profound model helps us see why we sometimes lose control in moments of stress and how we can regain balance.

The Hand Model of the Brain

Hand model of the brain. This is Lara’s hand. The illustration is by Dr. Dan Siegel

Put your hand up in front of you. Your hand can serve as a simplified model of the brain:

• Forearm: Represents the spinal cord, where information flows between the body and the brain.

• Palm/Base of the Brain: Represents the brainstem, which regulates essential functions like heart rate and breathing.

• Thumb (Folded into Palm): Represents the limbic system, the emotional center of the brain.

• Fingers (Wrapped Over the Thumb): Represent the cortex, the thinking brain, which helps with reasoning, problem-solving, and self-control.

At the base of the brain, there’s a “gatekeeper” (the fancy word is neuroception) constantly asking, “Am I safe?” If the answer is yes, our thinking brain stays engaged, allowing us to respond thoughtfully. If the answer is no, our brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, and we “flip our lid”—losing access to clear thinking and reacting impulsively instead. To see this illustration explained by the creator, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.

Why This Matters in Relationships

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

Before I learned about the hand model, I had heard of fight or flight, but I didn’t understand how it affected my relationships. Here’s a real-life example:

I was cooking dinner and grabbed a pan that had just been in the oven. Instantly, my brain didn’t wait for a careful decision—it reacted immediately, making me pull my hand away. This is an example of my brain protecting me in a moment of danger.

But here’s the problem: our brains don’t distinguish between physical danger (a hot pan) and emotional danger (a hurtful comment from a loved one). If someone I care about criticizes me, blames me, or says something that feels insulting, my brain reacts the same way—it flips the lid, and I lose access to my thinking brain. This is when we tend to use behaviors that damage relationships, like criticism, mockery, withdrawing from the interaction, or reacting defensively.

How to Prevent “Lid-Flipping Fests”

Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash.

1. Recognize when your lid is flipping. Create a family culture where it’s safe to take a break to calm down before responding, and where trust is built by coming back to the discussion and continuing the discussion after you are calm.

2. Take at least 20 minutes to calm both body and mind. It takes time for stress hormones to clear. But be mindful—if you spend that time ruminating on how unfair or frustrating the situation is, you won’t actually calm down. Instead, you can read a book, watch something that makes you laugh, or try a progressive muscle relaxation.

3. Teach good behavior to your child before or after a tantrum. When a child’s lid is flipped, they literally can’t hear or process logic. Teach problem-solving skills when they’re calm.

4. Focus on respect and clarity. When we stay calm, we can express our needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame. This helps keep the conversation productive and prevents unnecessary hurt.

Understanding how our brain works in moments of stress allows us to respond instead of react. It’s a game-changer for strengthening relationships with our partners, children, and loved ones.

For a deeper dive, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.

Want to learn more about the behaviors that predict relationship meltdowns? Watch this video of Dr. John Gottman on Anderson Cooper.

Want tips on how to express needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame? Watch this video of Dr. Julie Gottman.