connected, guts, rested, sleep, thriving
Lara Elfstrand
Tense, Release, Repeat: A Playful Guide to ...

One of my favorite ways to relax is to do a progressive muscle relaxation. To do a progressive muscle relaxation, you go through each body part, tense it, and then feel the difference as you relax it. So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to teach kids how to do a progressive muscle relaxation. Here are my thoughts.

Tense, Release, Repeat: A Playful Guide to Kids’ Relaxation
connected, rested, thriving
Lara Elfstrand
Welcome to Little Elf Family Services!

Welcome to Little Elf Family Services! I’m Lara Elfstrand. I am a parent coach, and I am here to help parents to feel connected, rested, and thriving. I have a master’s degree in early childhood special education (and a clear teaching credential), and I am endorsed as an infant family advanced transdisciplinary mental health practitioner.

Welcome to Little Elf Family Services!
rested, connected, thriving, reflection
Lara Elfstrand
The Real Reason I Do This Business (Hint: It’s ...

I became a parent in 2007, and it changed me and my life completely.  I realized just how much a person changes when they become a parent.  It changed my values, my priorities, and my marriage!  The things I learned cannot be summarized in one blog post or even in one blog.  But here are just a few things that I would start with:

The Real Reason I Do This Business (Hint: It’s About You and Me)
baby, pregnancy
Lara Elfstrand
What is a Nesting Party? How to Host and How to ...

Nesting parties ask us to re-think the way that we celebrate new parents and challenge us to focus on what the expecting parents need. It’s really less of a party and more of an opportunity to provide the family help.

Unlike baby showers, “Nesting parties shift the focus from stuff to support to help families prepare their homes and hearts for life with a new baby,” explains Lara Elfstrand, the pediatric sleep practitioner of Little Elf Family Services. 

What is a Nesting Party? How to Host and How to Show Up
Lara Elfstrand
Welcome, 2025!

As I’m getting into the groove of things in the new year, I’m excited to look forward to what is ahead in 2025.  Three things that I’m focusing on for 2025: celebration, self compassion, and guts.

Welcome, 2025!

"Culture of appreciation" practice #2: say it

Valentine's Day is a great opportunity to think about how we express our affection and thankfulness to the people that we care about.  It's an opportunity to say, "I'm so thankful for who you are and for the joy that you bring to my life."  

One way that we can do this on a regular basis is to use a strategy called "positive descriptive acknowledgements."  We say something specific that the person did, with an adjective about how it describes the person, such as desired character trait or expectation.  

"Culture of appreciation" practice #1: write it down

A great way to start this month of appreciation is to take time to write down what we are thankful for.  We can do this in a few different ways, such as a gratitude journal and thank you notes or even "you rock" notes.  

One way that we can create a culture of appreciation is to keep a gratitude journal.  We can keep a gratitude journal near the dining room table, so that we can add to it as a family each day, or near the bed where we can reflect at the end of the day.  

Welcome to the "culture of appreciation" challenge!

This month our challenge is to create a culture of appreciation in our homes and in our lives.  Each Monday I will present ideas, and I encourage you to let me know what works for you!  

Why focus on appreciation?  Creating a culture of appreciation is the antidote for contempt, which is one of the biggest destroyers of relationships according to research by Dr. Gottman at the University of Seattle.  When we fight contempt, we improve teamwork in our relationships.

Join us for upcoming challenges!

Over the next four months, our challenges are going to focus on the antidotes to the "four horsemen."   In February we are going to focus on the antidote to contempt:  creating a culture of appreciation.  In March we will focus on the antidote to criticism:  complaining without blaming.  In April, we will focus on the antidote to defensiveness:  accepting responsibility for our part of the problem.  In May, we will focus on the antidote to stonewalling: taking breaks to calm down.  Join me and the Little Elf family as we strengthen our families and make our lives more positive and playful!  

The battle between play and eduction

So often it seems like there is a battle going on between play and education.  Many people seem to feel that education is something that must be done sitting in rows at desks, and that worksheets are the most sure way to teach and to learn.  Yet play is so important for children, and many parents and schools overlook play as unimportant.  The following quote describes a study that was done to see how play impacts learning.  Specifically, they tested to see if there was a correlation between literacy and time spent in sociodramatic play. 

Stonewalling

Stonewalling

What stonewalling means is that we become so upset by the interaction that we shut down.  The listener withdrawals from the interaction, usually out of fear that speaking will make the problem worse. Stonewalling appears to be an attempt to withdraw to calm down or to self-soothe. 

The antidote to stonewalling is to take a break from the discussion.  As part of Dr. Gottman's research, he asked couples in his love lab to discuss a topic that they experienced conflict about.

Contempt

When we are contemptuous, we make ourselves feel superior to the person we are with. We use insults or name-calling. We use sarcasm. We are cynical. We use mockery and hostile humor. Our body language may include sneering or rolling our eyes.

Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen.  

The antidote to contemptuousness is to create a culture of appreciation.  (Note that we talked about this during the 5:1 ratio challenge.)

Defensiveness

Defensiveness means that we are denying any responsibility for the problem. We often use negative body language.  We believe that the problem is all our partner's fault (or our child's fault, etc.)  When we feel defensive, we respond to a complaint with another complaint. We whine. We feel attacked.  

The antidote to defensiveness is to accept some responsibility for our part of the problem.

Criticism

Criticism

Our first goal is to recognize when we are being critical.  Criticism is defined as attacking the character of a person.  It involves suggesting that the problem is related to a defect in the other person's character.  It often involves phrases such as "you always" or "you never."  The antidote to criticism is to complain about behavior without attacking the person.  We do this by practicing a gentle start-up.  When we feel attacked, we take a break to calm down before bringing up the issue.  

Welcome to the January Team Challenge

In order to create a home where children can learn and thrive, we are focusing this month on building a strong parenting team.  There are many aspects to what it means to be a good team player.  But for now:

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to identify when Dr. Gottman's "four horsemen" (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) are happening in your family, and to use their antidotes to defeat them.  

The role of play in development

Play builds strong bodies and strong minds.  Because play allows children to practice situations before they get to them, play relieves stress and provides an opportunity for children to work out their fears.  Through careful observation and allowing the child to direct their own play, adults are given an opportunity to understand children better.  When I became a parent, I remember being surprised to find that there was a purpose for toys that went beyond just having fun!  It was very interesting for me to find out

Resources:

Baby Registry

Sacramento Resources

Nationwide Resources

©Lara Elfstrand, MA ECSE, IF-ATMHP, CPSI - Little Elf Family Services, P.O. Box 5098, Auburn, CA 95604

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