According to Dr. Gottman’s research, the masters of relationship had 20 times more positive interactions than negative interactions during everyday interactions, and five times more positive than negative interactions during times of conflict. Our ratio of positive to negative interactions is strong when our relationships are full of fondness, affection, gratitude and humor. When we create rituals that build gratitude and affection for one another, we are putting our relationship in what Dr. Gottman calls “the positive perspective”.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #4: Associate thankfulness with a daily ritual
One way that we can practice gratitude is to create gratitude rituals associated with a time of day. For example:
Mealtimes: We can make a routine at mealtimes to share what we are thankful for. When we do this, we increase our ratio of positives to negatives, we increase fondness and affection, and we get to know each other better.
Culture of appreciation practice #3: schedule it and breathe it
Another strategy that we can use to increase gratitude in our lives is to set an alarm or a daily event on our calendar that reminds us to stop and consider what we are thankful for. We could even consider adding an element of focused breathing... taking just one minute a day to breathe deeply and to think about what we are thankful for. We get extra credit for sharing what we are thankful for with another person when we are done!
"Culture of appreciation" practice #2: say it
Valentine's Day is a great opportunity to think about how we express our affection and thankfulness to the people that we care about. It's an opportunity to say, "I'm so thankful for who you are and for the joy that you bring to my life."
One way that we can do this on a regular basis is to use a strategy called "positive descriptive acknowledgements." We say something specific that the person did, with an adjective about how it describes the person, such as desired character trait or expectation.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #1: write it down
A great way to start this month of appreciation is to take time to write down what we are thankful for. We can do this in a few different ways, such as a gratitude journal and thank you notes or even "you rock" notes.
One way that we can create a culture of appreciation is to keep a gratitude journal. We can keep a gratitude journal near the dining room table, so that we can add to it as a family each day, or near the bed where we can reflect at the end of the day.
Welcome to the "culture of appreciation" challenge!
This month our challenge is to create a culture of appreciation in our homes and in our lives. Each Monday I will present ideas, and I encourage you to let me know what works for you!
Why focus on appreciation? Creating a culture of appreciation is the antidote for contempt, which is one of the biggest destroyers of relationships according to research by Dr. Gottman at the University of Seattle. When we fight contempt, we improve teamwork in our relationships.
A tool for remembering to increase positives
I found an app called “Lasting.” It is not by the Gottman Institute, but they say it is research tested strategies. I haven’t paid for the app, but by creating an account and doing the assessment it let me use their reminders. So multiple times a day, the app reminds me to check in with my hubby with fondness, affection, gratitude, etc. So far even without paying for the best of the content, this app is having a positive impact on my marriage. Check it out.
Gratitude
I use this app to regularly focus on what I am thankful for.
I’m really thankful for each of you that reads my blog and for the opportunity to work toward my dreams of supporting families to know, love, and motivate one another towards joy and connection and health.
Our emotional positivity ratio
An alternate perspective on the 5:1 ratio
Applying the ratio with our kids
Small, intentional moments
"Small, intentional moments hold more weight than isolated, extravagant gestures when it comes to building emotional longevity in your relationship."
The positive perspective
Struggling with the terrible 2's?
When we have.more information about what to expect at different ages, it can help us to be more positive with our children.
Check out these videos from Project ABC on dealing with difficult behavior in young children.
An Attitude of Gratitude and the 5:1 Ratio During the Holidays
"The perspective and practice of gratitude is essential to strengthening our relationships with those we love."
Why the 5:1 ratio? And how can we get there?
Thinking of you: Another 5:1 Ratio Tool
Adding more positives to our relationships can be as simple as just saying "I'm thinking of you".
Benefits of gratitude
The 5:1 Ratio Challenge: Vulnerability
I feel like you can't have a discussion on becoming more positive without including vulnerability in the mix.
