The August "Expressing Needs Clearly & Respectfully" Challenge: https://mailchi.mp/3768881f81c2/aug-2018-expressing-needs-clearly-and-respectfully-challenge
Obstacles to filling emotional bank accounts: distraction
As adults, many conflicts begin when our needs go unmet. Maybe we express our need when our partner is busy doing something else. Or perhaps we feel scared that our partner won't be willing or able to meet our need, so we don't express it or we use hints to "test the waters." A key strategy of the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program is to express our needs clearly and regularly so that they don't build up or escape our mouths as criticism or contempt. (Dr. Gottman calls this a negative bid - expressing our bid, or request, in a negative way).
Baby Cues
This month we are exploring how to build our family’s emotional bank account by responding to each other’s needs. We are working to become more aware of how we each express our needs (bids). This week we are exploring the ways that infants and toddlers express their needs. We know that in the early stages of language development, parents have to be the detective to figure out what the cries, sounds, and movements mean. Over time, babies figure out that they can use their cries, sounds, and movements to have an impact on the people in their world.
The Empathy Reflex
As we work together to read each other‘s words and body language to figure out each other‘s needs, it can be useful to think about what Dr. John Medina calls the empathy reflex. In his book Brain Rules for Baby, he describes what he calls the empathy reflex. The empathy reflex is a habit that we can build to identify how the other person feels and make a guess about why they might feel that way. This can help us to bridge the gap between the behaviors that we can see in the other person and the intentions that we can’t see.
Step 2: Respond to bids mindfully
The next step in this challenge is to slow down, breathe, recognize bids, and RESPOND MINDFULLY.
In the Bringing Baby Home class, Dr. Gottman talks about the importance of recognizing bids and responding to them intentionally. The motto of the workshop is "small things often."
When we notice that our partner or our child is making a bid for connection, we have several ways that we can respond.
1. We can turn towards. This means that we respond to their request for connection by connecting with them.
Step 1: Recognizing bids
The first step in this challenge is to slow down, breathe, and then RECOGNIZE BIDS.
As I mentioned in this month's newsletter, a bid is defined as the way that a person expresses what they need at the moment.
Some examples of bids that our partner might make include:
- A bid for our attention, such as calling our name or saying "Look at this"
Helping kids to slow down and breathe...
Let's take a look at different ways that we can slow down with our kids to savor the moment together.
I recently discovered a book called "Breathe Like a Bear" by Kira Willey. It is full of ideas for ways to teach little ones to breathe! Kira is also a songwriter. Check out her music on your favorite music player! I've been enjoying "Bunny Breath" and others! A few of her strategies include:
Pretending that we are drinking hot chocolate, taking sips and saying a long "mmmm" or slowly blowing it to cool it down.
The "Slow down and breathe" challenge part 3: The benefits
When we do manage to slow down and have dedicated time to just breathe and observe our children, we may find that we can be intentional to think about what we enjoy, we can savor the moments as children grow so quickly, and we might even learn something new about the way that our children grow.
For example: once upon a time there was a baby who was struggling to sleep. His mama was so tired and frustrated, because no matter what she did, he woke up after just a 30-40 minute nap.
Can we parents really eliminate hurry?
One of my favorite quotes is from John Ortberg and Dallas Willard, "Ruthlessly eliminate hurry." But how realistic is that? Check out this blog post as we join other parents who struggle with this challenge with us.
Slowing down
As I mentioned in my newsletter this week, the challenge this month is to slow down and breathe.
If you watch the Gottman Institute's "What's Baby Saying?" video, Dr. Gottman explains that "it is important to realize that babies operate on a much, much slower time scale than adults. You may remember when you were a child, a summer seemed to last forever. Now as you get older, summers go by very, very quickly. Because the world is so much slower for children, it takes time for a baby to react to things.
Welcome to the June "Slow Down and Breathe" Challenge
The Four Horsemen
As May comes to an end, we wrap up our series on recognizing the "Four Horsemen" that Gottman has found predict divorce, and to use their antidotes. I'm hoping that these last four months have helped you to be aware of the behaviors that predict divorce, and to know how you can make different choices to build your positive, playful parenting team!
Fighting in front of the kids
When is it appropriate to fight in front of the kids? In John Medina's book Brain Rules (Updated and Expanded), he talks about "One of the greatest predictors of performance in school turns out to be the emotional stability of the home... Given that stress can powerfully affect learning, one might predict that children living in high-anxiety households would not perform as well academically as kids living in more nurturing households. That is exactly what studies show. Marital stress at home can negatively affect academic performance in almost every way measurable, and at nearly any age...
Dealing with big emotions: when our child needs a break
What does a good break look like?
Why take a break?
Stonewalling happens when we feel so overwhelmed or upset that we shut down. We become like a stone wall.
Statistically speaking, men are more likely to stonewall than women, and they tend to stay aroused for longer periods of time than women do. Inside their heads, they seem to be saying, "Just shut up. You'll only make it worse. She can't go on like this forever." What often happens in this situation is that the other person (typically the woman) feels abandoned, and pushes harder to get a response.
Welcome to the "Take a Break" challenge
What to do if you complain without blaming but your partner still seems defensive?
The most important thing you can do to make your relationship work
When I teach Bringing Baby Home classes, I always give away plastic monsters. We use those monsters to represent our problems, and to remind us that we need to work together as a team to fight the monsters. If we let those monsters get between us, we end up fighting each other instead of fighting the problem.
For more thoughts on this, check out this short video from Dr. Gottman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUb5iCrSo8g
Accepting Responsibility: Andy Griffith style
What better way to learn about responsibility than to see it in action? Check out this excerpt from the Andy Griffith show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJjPni9V4EY
