According to research by Dr. John Gottman, the way that a conversation starts is often the way that it will end. Therefore, if we can phrase our complaints by stating our feelings and our needs, rather than attacking the other person, we are helping our partner to know how they can support us. We are less likely to seem critical when our statements start with "I" instead of "you." We can say something like "When... I feel... I need..."
Welcome to the "Complain without blaming" challenge!
This month we are focusing on the antidote to criticism: learning to complain about a problem without blaming or attacking the other person's character. Each Monday I will be posting ideas for how to do this well.
Check out this video from Dr. Julie Gottman about how to complain without blaming.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #4: Associate thankfulness with a daily ritual
One way that we can practice gratitude is to create gratitude rituals associated with a time of day. For example:
Mealtimes: We can make a routine at mealtimes to share what we are thankful for. When we do this, we increase our ratio of positives to negatives, we increase fondness and affection, and we get to know each other better.
Bedtimes: When we tuck our children into bed, we can take time to share what we are thankful for. When we get into bed, we can take 5 minutes to write down a few things we are thankful for in a journal.
Any other daily routine: We can think about what we are thankful for every time we brush our teeth. One of my gratitude rituals is to use my "Thankful" app when I get on the elliptical every morning.
Culture of appreciation practice #3: schedule it and breathe it
Another strategy that we can use to increase gratitude in our lives is to set an alarm or a daily event on our calendar that reminds us to stop and consider what we are thankful for. We could even consider adding an element of focused breathing... taking just one minute a day to breathe deeply and to think about what we are thankful for. We get extra credit for sharing what we are thankful for with another person when we are done!
"Culture of appreciation" practice #2: say it
Valentine's Day is a great opportunity to think about how we express our affection and thankfulness to the people that we care about. It's an opportunity to say, "I'm so thankful for who you are and for the joy that you bring to my life."
One way that we can do this on a regular basis is to use a strategy called "positive descriptive acknowledgements." We say something specific that the person did, with an adjective about how it describes the person, such as desired character trait or expectation. For example, to a child we might say "You took turns with your friend. That's friendly," or "You put away the dishes. That is helpful." We can even look at the behaviors that we don't want and look for opportunities to provide positive, descriptive acknowledgements when they do the opposite!
To our partner we might say, "Thank you for doing the dishes. That's really helpful, and it makes me feel like our family matters to you."
I am thankful for each of you who reads this.
More details on how to move from praise to positive, descriptive acknowledgment can be found here: https://cainclusion.org/teachingpyramid/materials/general/MovingFromPraisetoAcknowledgement.pdf
Find more strategies for acknowledging children here: http://childcarerrnc.org/secrets/folder/030303/StrategiesforAcknowledgingPositiveBehaviors120907829.pdf
Some classroom examples of providing positive, descriptive acknowledgement instead of saying "no" all the time: https://cainclusion.org/teachingpyramid/materials/classroom/TellMeWhatToDoInstead_ClassroomCA.pdf
This week's challenge: Make a plan for how you can regularly tell your loved ones and friends and even acquaintances what you are thankful for and what you like about them.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #3: journal it
One way that we can create a culture of appreciation is to keep a gratitude journal. We can keep a gratitude journal near the dining room table, so that we can add to it as a family each day, or near the bed where we can reflect at the end of the day.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #1: write it down
A great way to start this month of appreciation is to take time to write down what we are thankful for. We can do this in a few different ways, such as a gratitude journal and thank you notes or even "you rock" notes.
One way that we can create a culture of appreciation is to keep a gratitude journal. We can keep a gratitude journal near the dining room table, so that we can add to it as a family each day, or near the bed where we can reflect at the end of the day.
Even better is to create a note habit that can be shared with the people we are grateful for. We can write notes to loved ones to express gratitude, fondness, and affection for the ways that they have blessed us. We can make it a regular habit to write notes when people are helpful to us, or when they do things that we really appreciate. We can say what we are thankful for, and we can express why that person "rocks." This gives good feelings for both the giver and the receiver, and it increases the ratio of positives to negatives in our relationships.
This week's challenge: Write some nice Valentines to those that you care about. Be specific about things that the person has done that mean a lot to you, and why it means so much.
Welcome to the "culture of appreciation" challenge!
This month our challenge is to create a culture of appreciation in our homes and in our lives. Each Monday I will present ideas, and I encourage you to let me know what works for you!
Why focus on appreciation? Creating a culture of appreciation is the antidote for contempt, which is one of the biggest destroyers of relationships according to research by Dr. Gottman at the University of Seattle. When we fight contempt, we improve teamwork in our relationships. Appreciation also increases our ratio of positive to negative, which helps our partners and our children to be able to listen better.
Appreciation can help to improve children's behavior as well! It increases their ratio of positive to negative interactions. It puts them in a frame of mind that allows them to learn better. In addition, children's behavior is often a reflection of where we focus our attention. If we focus our attention on "stop that, don't do that!" then what we get back is often the things that we don't like! If we focus our attention on "You just traded. That was friendly," then we might just get back a child who knows what it means to be friendly and feels good for doing it.
As mentioned previously, Brene Brown found that practicing gratitude invites joy into our lives. So we are looking for a "tangible gratitude practice." Clearly you don't have to use all of these ideas.
Summary: The "culture of appreciation" challenge encourages us to find a tangible, consistent way to make appreciation a regular practice in our lives.
Join us for upcoming challenges!
Over the next four months, our challenges are going to focus on the antidotes to the "four horsemen." In February we are going to focus on the antidote to contempt: creating a culture of appreciation. In March we will focus on the antidote to criticism: complaining without blaming. In April, we will focus on the antidote to defensiveness: accepting responsibility for our part of the problem. In May, we will focus on the antidote to stonewalling: taking breaks to calm down. Join me and the Little Elf family as we strengthen our families and make our lives more positive and playful!
The battle between play and eduction
So often it seems like there is a battle going on between play and education. Many people seem to feel that education is something that must be done sitting in rows at desks, and that worksheets are the most sure way to teach and to learn. Yet play is so important for children, and many parents and schools overlook play as unimportant. The following quote describes a study that was done to see how play impacts learning. Specifically, they tested to see if there was a correlation between literacy and time spent in sociodramatic play. The results emphasize the tremendous value of play and show the ways that play can be a tool for education rather than fighting against it.
“…Bodrova and Leong’s Tools of the Mind preschool and kindergarten classrooms, based on Vygotsky’s theory of cognitive development and the work of his student, Elkonin, use sociodramatic play to foster literacy. These classrooms contain dramatic play areas where children spend a substantial amount of time daily, and dramatic play permeates many classroom activities. Teachers support children’s play by helping them create imaginary situations, providing props and expanding possible play roles. Children, with the teacher’s assistance, develop written play plans, including the theme, the roles, and the rules that will govern the play. Studies of the Tools of the Mind curriculum support its effectiveness (Bodrova & Leong, 2001; Bodrova, Leong, Norford, & Paynter, 2003). In one study, children who spent 50 to 60 minutes of a 2½-hour program engaging in supported sociodramatic play scored higher on literacy skills than did children in control classrooms (Bodrova & Leong, 2001). Thus, play, rather than detracting from academic learning, actually supported it. More recent research, published in Science, showed positive effects of the curriculum on executive functioning, particularly cognitive control (Diamong, Barnett, Thomas, & Munro, 2007). In this study, 147 5-year-olds in a low-income, urban U.S. school district were randomly assigned to classrooms using either Tools of the Mind curriculum or another literacy curriculum. Children were evaluated on two measures of executive functioning: (a) ability to hold abstract rules in mind; and (b) ability to focus attention, ignore distractions, and switch focus of attention. For the first measure, most children in the Tools of the Mind group completed the task successfully, compared to fewer than one-third of the children in the comparison group. Children in the Tools of the Mind group also outperformed comparison children on their ability to switch focus of attention” (Zigler & Bishop-Josef, 2009, p. 9).
Date night challenge
Experiment: Watch a movie and see if you can find examples of "The Four Horsemen" and/or their antidotes. What movie did you watch? What did you learn? Share what you learned!
The antidote to stonewalling: taking a break
We tend to stonewall when we feel attacked or "flooded".
Take a look at this video from Julie Gottman describing the importance of taking a break, and how to do it effectively.
Stonewalling
What stonewalling means is that we become so upset by the interaction that we shut down. The listener withdrawals from the interaction, usually out of fear that speaking will make the problem worse. Stonewalling appears to be an attempt to withdraw to calm down or to self-soothe.
The antidote to stonewalling is to take a break from the discussion. As part of Dr. Gottman's research, he asked couples in his love lab to discuss a topic that they experienced conflict about. Then with some of the couples, he told them that the equipment was broken and would they please read some magazines while they fixed the equipment. This gave the couples the opportunity to self-soothe. The couples who took this break in the argument ended up having more productive conflict management discussions than the couples who continued to argue without a break. A good break needs to be at least 20 minutes long, and it needs to focus on soothing without spending the whole time obsessing about the problem. That allows our brain to get out of "fight or flight" and be able to think more clearly, with a better chance of being able to access more of our brain.
The antidote to contempt: creating a culture of appreciation
Contempt
When we are contemptuous, we make ourselves feel superior to the person we are with. We use insults or name-calling. We use sarcasm. We are cynical. We use mockery and hostile humor. Our body language may include sneering or rolling our eyes.
Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen.
The antidote to contemptuousness is to create a culture of appreciation. (Note that we talked about this during the 5:1 ratio challenge.)
The antidote to defensiveness: taking responsibility
Defensiveness
Defensiveness means that we are denying any responsibility for the problem. We often use negative body language. We believe that the problem is all our partner's fault (or our child's fault, etc.) When we feel defensive, we respond to a complaint with another complaint. We whine. We feel attacked.
The antidote to defensiveness is to accept some responsibility for our part of the problem.
The antidote to criticism: Complaining about behavior without blaming
Criticism
Our first goal is to recognize when we are being critical. Criticism is defined as attacking the character of a person. It involves suggesting that the problem is related to a defect in the other person's character. It often involves phrases such as "you always" or "you never." The antidote to criticism is to complain about behavior without attacking the person. We do this by practicing a gentle start-up. When we feel attacked, we take a break to calm down before bringing up the issue. When we are calm, we can think more clearly and express the problem in terms like "When you [state the problem behavior], I feel [hurt, upset, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc.]. I need..."
Welcome to the January Team Challenge
In order to create a home where children can learn and thrive, we are focusing this month on building a strong parenting team. There are many aspects to what it means to be a good team player. But for now:
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to identify when Dr. Gottman's "four horsemen" (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) are happening in your family, and to use their antidotes to defeat them.
To get started, check out our January newsletter.
Then watch this video from the Gottman Institute.
