I think a lot about the deals we establish with our littles—babies and even dogs! They often find comfort and safety in familiar routines, which is crucial for their development. After all, we need to feel safe in order to learn.
But as they grow, sometimes we need to change the deal.
Take sleep, for example. When babies are new to the world, we often feed them to sleep. That’s developmentally appropriate and totally fine. But as they grow older, they may begin to rely on sucking (bottle, breast, pacifier, etc.) as the only way to fall asleep.
At that point, we may want to shift away from that habit. And here’s the key: anytime we want to decrease a behavior, we need to increase another one to take its place. Babies need to learn other soothing strategies that don’t involve sucking.
This means changing the deal. And that’s OK.
The original routine served a purpose and was helpful for a time. But at some point, it’s time for something new. One of my favorite quotes is:
“Forbid only what is necessary and in such forbidding, be clear and consistent.”
This reminds me of the 1965 song by The Byrds (based on Ecclesiastes):
There is a season for sucking to sleep. And there is also a season for moving on and learning age-appropriate ways to self-soothe. There’s a time when a pacifier is really, really helpful—and a time when it’s “all done.” Changing the deal doesn’t mean that you did something wrong by letting your child suck to sleep. It just means that it’s time to change the deal.
I believe these decisions are highly personal. My role isn’t to dictate them, but to support families in making the choice that’s right for them. One thing I really enjoy about my work is brainstorming with parents about when to “change the deal” and how to do it in a way that builds resilience.
Because yes—changing the deal is stressful. But not all stress is harmful. According to Dr. Bruce Perry, stress that builds resilience is:
Predictable – we know what to expect
Controllable – we have some choices
Moderate – not too easy, not too hard
So when it’s time to change the deal, ask yourself:
How can I help my child know what to expect?
How can I offer appropriate choices?
How can I break this challenge into manageable steps?
When we approach these transitions thoughtfully, we’re not just changing a routine—we’re helping our children grow.
