The Four Horsemen
As May comes to an end, we wrap up our series on recognizing the "Four Horsemen" that Gottman has found predict divorce, and to use their antidotes. I'm hoping that these last four months have helped you to be aware of the behaviors that predict divorce, and to know how you can make different choices to build your positive, playful parenting team!
Fighting in front of the kids
When is it appropriate to fight in front of the kids? In John Medina's book Brain Rules (Updated and Expanded), he talks about "One of the greatest predictors of performance in school turns out to be the emotional stability of the home... Given that stress can powerfully affect learning, one might predict that children living in high-anxiety households would not perform as well academically as kids living in more nurturing households. That is exactly what studies show. Marital stress at home can negatively affect academic performance in almost every way measurable, and at nearly any age...
Dealing with big emotions: when our child needs a break
What does a good break look like?
Why take a break?
Stonewalling happens when we feel so overwhelmed or upset that we shut down. We become like a stone wall.
Statistically speaking, men are more likely to stonewall than women, and they tend to stay aroused for longer periods of time than women do. Inside their heads, they seem to be saying, "Just shut up. You'll only make it worse. She can't go on like this forever." What often happens in this situation is that the other person (typically the woman) feels abandoned, and pushes harder to get a response.
Welcome to the "Take a Break" challenge
What to do if you complain without blaming but your partner still seems defensive?
The most important thing you can do to make your relationship work
When I teach Bringing Baby Home classes, I always give away plastic monsters. We use those monsters to represent our problems, and to remind us that we need to work together as a team to fight the monsters. If we let those monsters get between us, we end up fighting each other instead of fighting the problem.
For more thoughts on this, check out this short video from Dr. Gottman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUb5iCrSo8g
Accepting Responsibility: Andy Griffith style
What better way to learn about responsibility than to see it in action? Check out this excerpt from the Andy Griffith show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJjPni9V4EY
Accepting Responsibility: A Word from Will Smith
I love what Will Smith has to say about fault versus responsibility. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USsqkd-E9ag
Blaming is a way that we discharge anger
Welcome to the "Accepting Responsibility" Challenge
We are working on reducing the "4 Horsemen" from our relationships. In January we worked on identifying when we notice criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling in our relationships. In February we practiced the antidote to contempt: creating a culture of appreciation. In March we practiced the antidote to criticism: complaining without blaming. This month, instead of choosing blame and defensiveness, we are going to practice choosing responsibility and accountability.
Clearly stating what we need
Once we are able to describe the problem without judging the other person, it is important that we are able to clearly tell the person what it is we need. If we can do that, we are giving them the tools that they need to meet our need. Describing our needs in clear terms opens the discussion about what may or may not be realistic. It can be hard to state our needs when we feel that we might be rejected, but it is the way to set ourselves up for success.
Being polite and appreciative
We all need to feel appreciated. When we say "please" and "thank you", we show respect to our partner and we are modeling good habits for our children. We can say "I really appreciate it when we do the dishes together. It makes me feel like I am part of a great team. Is there any way we can do the dishes together more often?"
Describing our feelings
One strategy for complaining without blaming is to talk about our own feelings rather than talking about the other person. If we don't know what we are feeling, it is probably safe to say that we feel "upset." Describing how we feel and how our children feel is a great way to increase children's awareness of feelings as well.
If you are looking for some help in describing how you feel, check out this feelings chart.
Using a softened start-up; making statements that start with "I"
According to research by Dr. John Gottman, the way that a conversation starts is often the way that it will end. Therefore, if we can phrase our complaints by stating our feelings and our needs, rather than attacking the other person, we are helping our partner to know how they can support us. We are less likely to seem critical when our statements start with "I" instead of "you." We can say something like "When... I feel... I need..."
Welcome to the "Complain without blaming" challenge!
This month we are focusing on the antidote to criticism: learning to complain about a problem without blaming or attacking the other person's character. Each Monday I will be posting ideas for how to do this well.
Check out this video from Dr. Julie Gottman about how to complain without blaming.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #4: Associate thankfulness with a daily ritual
One way that we can practice gratitude is to create gratitude rituals associated with a time of day. For example:
Mealtimes: We can make a routine at mealtimes to share what we are thankful for. When we do this, we increase our ratio of positives to negatives, we increase fondness and affection, and we get to know each other better.
Culture of appreciation practice #3: schedule it and breathe it
Another strategy that we can use to increase gratitude in our lives is to set an alarm or a daily event on our calendar that reminds us to stop and consider what we are thankful for. We could even consider adding an element of focused breathing... taking just one minute a day to breathe deeply and to think about what we are thankful for. We get extra credit for sharing what we are thankful for with another person when we are done!
