Everyone who cares deeply about a baby is in competition for that baby. Gatekeeping is normal—and it’s really hard. But when we recognize it, we can shift from competing with one another to working together as a team.
One of my "Why's": The Piña Colada song
When I think about songs that remind me of why I do what I do, one of the top songs that comes to mind is “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes. It’s an oldie but a goodie. :)
If you haven’t heard it in a while, click on the link above and give it a listen. Then come back and check out why this song is so important to me. And I bet that you’ll be singing along as you read, just like I am doing as I write!
The #1 secret to healthy relationships
Have you ever found yourself reacting in a way that you later regretted—criticizing or blaming a loved one, shutting down, or getting defensive? Understanding why this happens is key to building healthy relationships.
One of the most powerful tools for understanding our reactions comes from Dr. Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain. This simple yet profound model helps us see why we sometimes lose control in moments of stress and how we can regain balance.
The Hand Model of the Brain
Hand model of the brain. This is Lara’s hand. The illustration is by Dr. Dan Siegel
Put your hand up in front of you. Your hand can serve as a simplified model of the brain:
Forearm: Represents the spinal cord, where information flows between the body and the brain.
Palm/Base of the Brain: Represents the brainstem, which regulates essential functions like heart rate and breathing.
Thumb (Folded into Palm): Represents the limbic system, the emotional center of the brain.
Fingers (Wrapped Over the Thumb): Represent the cortex, the thinking brain, which helps with reasoning, problem-solving, and self-control.
At the base of the brain, there’s a “gatekeeper” (the fancy word is neuroception) constantly asking, “Am I safe?” If the answer is yes, our thinking brain stays engaged, allowing us to respond thoughtfully. If the answer is no, our brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, and we “flip our lid”—losing access to clear thinking and reacting impulsively instead. To see this illustration explained by the creator, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.
Why This Matters in Relationships
Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash
Before I learned about the hand model, I had heard of fight or flight, but I didn’t understand how it affected my relationships. Here’s a real-life example:
I was cooking dinner and grabbed a pan that had just been in the oven. Instantly, my brain didn’t wait for a careful decision—it reacted immediately, making me pull my hand away. This is an example of my brain protecting me in a moment of danger.
But here’s the problem: our brains don’t distinguish between physical danger (a hot pan) and emotional danger (a hurtful comment from a loved one). If someone I care about criticizes me, blames me, or says something that feels insulting, my brain reacts the same way—it flips the lid, and I lose access to my thinking brain. This is when we tend to use behaviors that damage relationships, like criticism, mockery, withdrawing from the interaction, or reacting defensively.
How to Prevent “Lid-Flipping Fests”
Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash.
Recognize when your lid is flipping. Create a family culture where it’s safe to take a break to calm down before responding, and where trust is built by coming back to the discussion and continuing the discussion after you are calm.
Take at least 20 minutes to calm both body and mind. It takes time for stress hormones to clear. But be mindful—if you spend that time ruminating on how unfair or frustrating the situation is, you won’t actually calm down. Instead, you can read a book, watch something that makes you laugh, or try a progressive muscle relaxation.
Teach good behavior to your child before or after a tantrum. When a child’s lid is flipped, they literally can’t hear or process logic. Teach problem-solving skills when they’re calm.
Focus on respect and clarity. When we stay calm, we can express our needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame. This helps keep the conversation productive and prevents unnecessary hurt.
Understanding how our brain works in moments of stress allows us to respond instead of react. It’s a game-changer for strengthening relationships with our partners, children, and loved ones.
For a deeper dive, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.
Want to learn more about the behaviors that predict relationship meltdowns? Watch this video of Dr. John Gottman on Anderson Cooper.
Want tips on how to express needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame? Watch this video of Dr. Julie Gottman.
What to expect at a Gottman Bringing Baby Home class at Little Elf Family Services.
Hey there, friend! Welcome to an exciting journey where we'll delve into enriching your relationship and embracing the incredible adventure of parenthood. The Gottman Bringing Baby Home Program is your golden ticket to creating a strong and loving foundation for your family. In this heart-to-heart chat, we're going to explore where this program came from, its fantastic benefits, and what you can expect as you embark on this life-changing adventure.
**The Gottman Institute: Your Relationship's Best Friend**
Meet the Gottman Institute, fondly known as the "crazy researcher people." For nearly five decades, they've been on a mission to unravel the mysteries of marriage and parenting. Through their dedication to research, they've uncovered the secrets to nurturing lasting, healthy relationships. And guess what? They're absolutely thrilled to share this treasure trove of wisdom with couples like us around the world, all in the name of promoting love and well-being in our relationships.
**Understanding the Transition to Parenthood**
Now, let's talk about something we can all relate to—parenthood. It's a transformative experience, but it can also bring its fair share of surprises and challenges. According to the Gottman Institute, around two-thirds of couples experience increased hostility after welcoming a new baby into their lives. Late-night feedings, diaper changes, and those extra responsibilities can strain even the strongest relationships. But here's the bright side: the Bringing Baby Home Program is here to help. It's been proven to reduce hostility and supercharge relationship satisfaction. And get this, babies of parents who've taken the program cry less, smile more, and become little communication wizards.
**The Fishbowl Analogy: A Unique Perspective**
Imagine your family as a fishbowl, with the water symbolizing the mental health and relationship quality of you and your partner. Just as fish thrive in clean water, children flourish in a healthy relationship environment. The program equips you with all the right tools to maintain that crystal-clear water, ensuring your little ones grow up in a nurturing and loving family. It fosters fondness, affection, appreciation, and a stronger connection with your children and partner.
**Program Details and Format: Learning with a Dash of Fun**
The Bringing Baby Home Program is tailor-made for couples from pregnancy through those early preschool years. It's not your typical class; it's a delightful mix of lectures, videos, interactive exercises, and heartfelt discussions. You'll explore concepts as a group and enjoy private exercises as a couple, creating a safe space for open communication.
**Creating a Fair and Stress-Free Family**
This program isn't just about creating a fair division of labor; it's about ensuring both parents actively participate in caring for your bundle of joy. It's your toolkit for managing stress effectively, working as a team, and setting your family up for a lifetime of success. Whether your relationship is sailing smoothly or navigating a few bumps, the program can help strengthen your bonds and enhance your satisfaction.
**Meet Lara Elfstrand: Your Guide and Cheerleader**
Allow me to introduce myself, I am Lara Elfstrand, the friendly face guiding you through this transformative journey. I am a pro with a background in early childhood education, infant-family mental health, and parenting. I’m a certified in infant massage, a sleep consultant, and a true advocate for families. What’s my secret sauce? Emphasizing the importance of repetition and fun in the learning process.
**Conclusion: A Journey to Family Bliss**
Your family is your most priceless treasure, and the health of your family is indeed wealth. Children thrive when their parents thrive, and you are worth every investment in your family's well-being. Consider this: What is your current stress level costing you in terms of the precious moments you could be sharing with your loved ones?
The Bringing Baby Home Program is your opportunity to prioritize your family's happiness and ensure that stress doesn't overshadow the joy of parenting. By joining this program, you're investing in a future where you can relish every moment spent with your partner and children. It's a chance to break free from the cycle of stress and create a harmonious and nurturing family environment.
Your family's well-being is worth more than any amount of money. Take the leap, invest in yourself, and unlock the potential for abundant love, happiness, and connection within your family. Sign up for the Bringing Baby Home Program today, and let's embark on this transformative journey together.
Sign - up here: Bringing Baby Home - TUESDAYS 6-8 PM Pacific starting November 7, 2023
#BringingBabyHome #ParentingJourney #HealthyRelationships #FamilyAbundance
What to expect at a Gottman 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class @ Little Elf Family Services
**The Gottman Institute: Pioneers in Relationship Research**
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a creation of none other than the brilliant minds at the Gottman Institute. At Little Elf Family Services, we affectionately refer to them as the "crazy researcher people" who have spent nearly five decades delving into the intricacies of marriage and parenting. Imagine all the wisdom they've accumulated in that time! Our mission is to bring their remarkable discoveries to you and tailor them to your unique needs.
**Unveiling the Gottman Institute's Magic**
The Gottman Institute has truly revolutionized the world of marriage research. They've uncovered the secrets behind what makes relationships thrive and what can lead them astray. Thanks to their groundbreaking work, we now possess the tools to make your relationship warmer, stronger, and healthier. They're all about helping couples like you build and sustain love and well-being in your relationships.
**Let's Dive into Program Details**
Here's the juicy part: the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work welcomes couples of all ages. It's perfect for new couples who want to set the stage for a solid foundation. And guess what? It's equally fantastic for seasoned couples who want to keep the spark alive. And it’s amazing for people who are divorced and starting a new relationship who don’t want to repeat the mistakes they made in the past. Think of it this way: why not be a couple that learns relationship tools before hitting a rough patch? We're all human, and challenges are part of the journey. But knowing how to handle them constructively is the key.
**Meet Your Guide: Lara Elfstrand**
Now, let's talk about your tour guide on this incredible journey – Lara Elfstrand. She’s not your run-of-the-mill educator; she’s a pro in early childhood education, infant-family mental health, and parenting. She’s also a certified infant massage guru and a sleep consultant. Her passion lies in creating a nurturing and joyful family environment. And she firmly believes that learning should be fun, and the best lessons are the ones we repeat.
What to expect at a Gottman 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class @ Little Elf Family Services
**In a Nutshell**
So, in a nutshell, if you're looking for a transformation that brings abundance, stress management, a rock-solid team, and long-lasting happiness into your family, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is tailor-made for you. Join us on this incredible journey to fortify your relationship and create a thriving, loving family.
Ready to hop on board? Sign up for the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work today, and let's embark on this adventure together.
Sign - up here: Bringing Baby Home - TUESDAYS 6-8 PM Pacific starting November 7, 2023
#HealthyMarriage #RelationshipMagic #LoveAndAbundance 💫❤️
Secrets to a long-lasting marriage
Did you know that one of the best ways to ensure that your marriage will last is to start TODAY to identify yourself as a couple who learns relationship tools? Don’t wait until there is a problem! Why is this so important?
According to research, the average couple waits 6 years before they seek help in their relationship. Yet half of all marriages that end do so in the first 7 years (https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/).
My husband calls me the "marriage apocalypse warrior." Find out why!
This Mom's Journey to Parenting Success Will Inspire You
When you have a baby, there’s a lot that may surprise you. In this conversation Stephanie opens up about her transformation after seeking help and guidance for her new role as a parent. In this interview, Stephanie shares her challenges, frustrations, and the wins that she achieved through coaching and Gottman Bringing Baby Home classes at Little Elf Family Services.
Did you know that perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are more common than gestational diabetes—yet we screen for them less often?
When you become a parent, you want to feel calm and confident, but that’s often harder than you expect. Obstacles can get in the way, and unprepared parents may feel overwhelmed. While your moods may fluctuate, your overall happiness level is like a muscle: it gets weaker or stronger over time. If you ignore symptoms of depression or anxiety and hope that the problem will go away, you are likely to find yourself feeling more depressed and anxious.
The Gottman Bringing Baby Home workshop prepares expectant and new parents for the excitements and challenges they’ll likely face. If you get the support you need, while building habits that feel good and are not too easy and not too hard, you are likely to get happier over time. And when you do things that you enjoy the pleasure pathways in your brain grow stronger!
Check out this article that I wrote for the Gottman blog. In it, I (a Gottman Bringing Baby Home educator and trainer) share mood enhancing strategies that parents learn in the Bringing Baby Home workshop.
