A couple of days ago, I created a “Welcome to Little Elf Family Services” video. I thought it turned out decently well, and I posted it. I watched part of the captions and changed the spelling of “mountain cur” but only realized after I had posted the automated captions that they misspelled my name.
My name is Lara. It isn’t Laura. It’s like the state in Venezuela, like Superman’s mother, like Lara Croft, or Lara in the movie Dr. Zhivago (which is where it really comes from, although I honestly don’t know the story all that well).
So that got me thinking about mistakes. Mistakes are hard. They are challenging. And the way that we handle them matters. To me, some of the biggest things that I have learned and continue to practice on a daily basis include:
Acknowledging the difference between guilt (“I did something bad”) and shame (“I AM bad”). This is essential for the way that we view ourselves and also for the way that we interact with each other every day.
To learn more about how to use this with yourself, see the work of Brené Brown [including but not limited to The Power of Vulnerability TED talk; Listening to Shame TED talk; and I LOVED her audiobook called The Power of Vulnerability]
This work is also so important for the way that we look at our partners and the people who are most important to us. For example, criticism is one of the four behaviors that predict relationship meltdown according to the Gottman Institute, and its antidote is to complain about behavior without criticizing character. You can learn more about this through books, videos, and classes through the Gottman Institute, and it’s something that I love to support couples with in the classes and coaching that I offer here at Little Elf Family Services.
Celebrating mistakes and accepting them as a gift. This is a key thing that I have learned by doing improv. I started in improv at BATS in Palo Alto, California in the fall of 2019 and have continued to improvise with the Sacramento Comedy Spot after the pandemic, and it was the view of mistakes that really got me hooked on improv. When I was a kid, I was in the orchestra and my experience of it was that I largely heard every mistake that I made and felt constantly humiliated by sitting at the back of the second violins. I honestly don’t know how much of this was internally driven versus externally driven. But in improv, I learn and re-learn to celebrate the mistakes. And the empowerment of that keeps me going back again and again to build my courage, make friends, and have a good laugh. I often recommend improv classes to the parents that I serve for all of these reasons and more. It is a great way to de-stress, celebrate mistakes, and develop your playfulness muscle (which can be so useful, in part because pretend play is such a powerful parenting tool!). If you are new to improv, look for an introductory class that focuses on the foundational principles of improv (the one at BATS is AMAZING). When you practice these principles on a regular basis, it can change your life.
Mistakes happen to all of us, whether it’s a misspelled caption, a misunderstood moment with our partner, or a parenting misstep when emotions run high. What matters most isn’t avoiding mistakes—it’s how we respond to them. When we can separate guilt from shame, when we speak to each other with kindness and clear accountability instead of criticism, and when we learn to celebrate mistakes as opportunities for growth, we create space for connection, resilience, and joy.
At Little Elf Family Services, I love helping families and couples practice these skills—because learning to embrace mistakes doesn’t just make us more compassionate with ourselves, it makes us stronger together.
